Make Up Your Minds

I'm not privy to details, and the stories contradict each other, but what it boils down to is this:  A civilian was given a weapon and sent (or allowed to go) into what was essentially a battle.  The weapon was not anything a civilian would have ever used outside of a gun range.  Add the youth of said civilian to the mix.  Frankly, it's a miracle more people were not killed.

Society tells us that anyone even a day under the age of 18 is not capable of informed consent.  Any adult who gives a minor a beer, a cigarette, or an orgasm is breaking the law.  The news media and the general public will opine at length about how the adult victimized the child.  

Kyle Rittenhouse was 17 years old.  He is neither hero nor villain.  Kyle is a victim, a pawn played by polarized talking heads.  Legally speaking, as a child, he was not capable of making the choices he made.  His adults let him, perhaps even encouraged him to, go into danger.  

Those adults should be put to trial.  I believe the legal terms are "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" and "child endangerment".  Likely, there are others in the book we should be throwing at them.   If Kyle was not capable of  consent where beer or tobacco or sex is concerned, he absolutely was not capable of knowing what the was getting into that night. 

If Kyle was capable, we need to take a long hard look at how we, as a society, view teenagers. 

Costumes

 Lots of fuss this time of year, every year, about insensitive costumes and stereotypes.  I don't really take offense at stereotyped costuming because I understand that it's all in fun and no one with more than 5 brain cells believes them.  However,  I thought I'd toss out a few work-arounds just in case.  

The witch, for example, goes back to earth religions (most obviously Wicca) and therefore could be seen as insensitive to modern adherents of those faiths.  If you want to be a witch for Halloween, yet still be thoughtful of your witchy friends and neighbors, consider choosing a specific witch from pop culture.  Wicked Witch of the West and Witchypoo even have the whole pointy-hat thing going on.  Variations could be a more colorful or modern take like one of the Halliwell sisters or a Hogwarts professor.   Mix up the tropes - maybe the Neutral Witch of the South? 

The cultures native to North America seem to take a beating every fall.  Often costumes include things that, in the real world, are sacred.  Those beautiful feathered headdresses are earned, usually through combat or wise leadership.  Would it be acceptable for me to wear a Medal of Honor as part of a costume?  If you go the buckskin-and-braids route, you're playing with the stereotype.  You can mix it up there - be a "mountain man" or even a "caveman".   Or go specific again.  Little Suzie wants to be an "Indian Princess" for Halloween, go Disney.  Pocahontas in reality had very little in common with the cartoon, and you can make that a teaching moment if you want.  For a real teaching moment, get historical.  Buckskin-and-braids-and baby = Sacagawea. 

The classic hobo, a staple of poor kids and dummies who wait til the last minute, is said to mock the homeless. You can easily turn the hobo into a scarecrow if that concerns you.  

I see stereotyped ethnicities trick-or-treating every year.  I have family and friends who I could claim these people are mocking.  I see it as playful teasing among friends.  I'm a hillbilly/redneck, a mental patient, a single woman over 40, and probably other "costumes" that I can't think of at the moment.  

Some costumes are more problematic than others, obviously.  Usually based on a negative stereotype.  Usually worn by the politically polarized or satirists.  Sometimes just heart breaking (Anne Frank).  Those I advise against across the board.  But let's be honest - almost every costume out there might be offensive to someone.  I suggest we all, on both sides of the issue, be more sensitive to others.  

Sex, Gender, and Shut Up

 Had two different conversations recently that bear on the sex/gender issue.  Now, to review - when I say sex I mean biology or the reproductive act.  When I say gender, I refer to society's notions of how we should look or behave because of our biology.  I'm also going to touch on sexuality, but just a bit. 

The first conversation was with a male teenager.  He's slender and has shoulder-length hair.  Someone tried to shame him by telling him he looks "like a girl from the back".  I say tried to, because the young man really doesn't care!  The incident actually bothers me more than it did him.  Why does it matter to anyone if he looks "like a girl from the back"?  Why would anyone be ashamed of this, as he was expected to be?   The only explanation I can come up with is Toxic Masculinity - one of the media's current hobbyhorses. Long hair on a boy threatened this person's personal image of himself.  Something the media likes to ignore, though, is that Toxic Femininity is also a thing.  So is Toxic Maturity, but I digress.  

Humans of both sexes are from birth (and even before that with ultrasounds) to conform to Gender Roles.  If we don't, we are generally mocked if not outright shunned.  Especially males.  A female child can be a tomboy, after all.  But for purposes of this particular rant, I'm going to be discussing adults or those approaching adulthood.  

My mother used to tell stories beginning with "When I was a little boy..."  not because she was actually male, but because she was commiserating with a male child.  She wanted to get that pesky division out of the way, because the story related to children of both sexes.  She was a female - but never a GIRL.  I have childhood photos of her, and she's wearing a dress (it was the 1940s) but that's where it ended. I probably have peers who thought she was a lesbian.  Yo momma wears combat boots wasn't playing the dozens for me, it was just the truth.  I have no memory of her ever wearing a dress.  A child walked up to her in a store and said "Excuse me, sir..."  She thought that was funny. 

Imagine catcalling a hot chick in an amusement park and my brother, with a full beard and mustache, answers you.  Again, it was funny.  If he reads this, he will laugh heartily at the memory.  The only gender roles we were expected to follow applied to chores, and I strongly suspect that was a holdover from when my parents were married.  

I tell these two stories to show that I've always had a very clear division in my head between Sex and Gender.  And you thought I was digressing again, didn't you?  

The second conversation was with a gay male couple.  These men have two children.  The children have lots of female role models despite the fact that they don't have a mommy.  Even if they didn't, I think they'll grow up just fine.  What is a woman going to teach them that a man or a book can't?

Anyone out there who thinks a parent's genitalia keeps them from parenting, shut up.  My momma wore combat boots and that was not one of the things she got wrong, so shut up.  If you cat-called some hippie dude and are now having an existential crisis, that's your problem, so shut up.  Unless people are hurting somebody, just shut up.  

As always, I invite civil debate of these points.  If you just wanna call names and insult people, shut up. 

OK, Boomer

I just had a long conversation about politics with a teenager.  I'm either late Boomer or early GenX, depending on who you ask.  He's Gen Z (Post-Millennial).  According to the labels, we should be at each other's throats.  We were not.  This will blow the collective mind of those who allow labels to divide us.

This applies to all the labels, be it "Liberal" or "Female" or "Catholic" or "Gay".  But for the sake of being concise, I will focus on the generation gap.  "Respect your elders" has become "OK Boomer".  "From the mouths of babes" has become "Damn millennial".  And it disgusts me. 

Their world is quite different from mine, and from what the world was when I was their age.  That does create differences.  But I stand by my assertion that there are more similarities than differences in all of us.  They have friends and family, as do I.  They have the same bodily functions.  They have hearts and minds, most of them good ones.

The tendency to allow differences to divide us isn't new.  I think it's fair to blame most of history's wars on it.  The axiom about not mentioning religion or politics in social situations is rooted in it.  We can't, as so many people do, blame it on anything more recent than the saber-toothed tiger.  Blame isn't really the issue, anyway.  The issue is us.  Our behavior.

The conversation that led to this blog is a good example.  The Boy expressed the opinion that  a certain celebrity would be a viable candidate for the presidency.  I said I think he's not because he's not a natural born US citizen.  The Boy thought he was.  Instead of calling each other names, we researched it.  When we discovered I was correct, we discussed how the man could become a viable candidate, which gave me a chance to educate a bit.  I wasn't familiar with the guy, and The Boy educated me a bit.  Neither of us dismissed the opinion of the other.  Neither of us called the other names.

The generation gap is our fault, people.  We don't respect them but expect them to respect us and respect is a two-way street.  Labeling one another is fine, it helps keep our mental files in order, but there are limits.  We're all human, with all the things that make us so, and we're all carrying around a myriad of labels.  If you don't want to be dismissed for one of your labels, don't dismiss others for theirs.

Why Don't Schools Teach....

Used to be, Home Ec or Shop was a required course.  People complained that the skills were out-dated and they're now offered as an elective if at all.  Yet I hear it all the time - why don't schools teach gardening, woodworking, sewing, or cooking?

I have a variation on that question: Why don't you teach those things? Why are we not instilling in the young a love of these creative and cost-effective habits?  Why should they learn skills they never see the adults around them use?   

I know a young man, a freshman in high school.  He knows the basics of gardening, cooking, sewing, carpentry, mechanics and engineering.  Because his adults did/do and enjoy those things.  Even if the work itself isn't enjoyable, he's seen the pride taken in a job well done and benefited from the money saved.  If your teenager or child isn't learning these skills, it's on you.  

Kids of a creative bent are constantly told to pursue something else as a career because there's "no money in that".  These skills are manual labor, and therefore nothing to brag about as a profession.  Unless, of course, you manage to own the company or become famous.  

As for the math people keep saying schools should teach?  How to play the stock market, for example?  Guess what... they often have elective classes that teach those things.  Guess what else... most people are not going to use those skills in an economy that leaves most of us floundering from payday to payday and running a Go Fund Me for medical expenses.  

All math is based on what we learn in elementary school - addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division.  Balancing a checkbook is rarely anything more than adding and subtracting. Compound interest is more complex, but still boils down to those basics.  

Even more galling is the fact that thse are the same people claiming that teaching reproductive biology is "not the school's job".  And don't even get me started on "indoctrination" because that's a blog in and of itself. 

The minds of the young, part 2

I just had an intelligent discussion of gun control with a child.  He is all for it - use both hands!  Okay, seriously, it was actually about how stupid people think teenagers are.  It started with his mentioning WW2 and how young the soldiers were.

Many memes play on the disconnect between how those men were seen and how men of the same age are seen today.  "Boys" stormed the beaches of Normandy.  Today, apparently, those same "boys" would be eating Tide Pods.  What happened?

My considered opinion, and that's really all this is, is this:  If anyone over the age of five (barring medical issues) is unable to think critically, their adults have failed them.  My minions are and were all over the charts on physical, social, and mental development.  Some of them were brighter at 10 than others at 30.  Some of them choose not to think critically, but that isn't the same thing as not being able.

Obviously, humans with still-developing brains are unable to understand things on a certain level.  I never expected them to.  "Don't stick your hand in the campfire" doesn't require a prolonged explanation of third degree burns.  "Those two men are married" doesn't need to include the Kama Sutra.  But I always have and always will respect the thinking abilities they have.

The young man I was talking to today is 13.  In many societies past, present, and probably future, he is considered a man.  He is expected to make adult choices.  But in modern America, he's still a child and therefore his brain is cottage cheese.  Yet he could discuss issues in elementary school.  Because his adults taught him to think.

There have always been Tide-Pod-Eaters.  Even now, they are not the majority.  As the song says, children are the future.  Teach them now and let them lead the way.

The Brains of The Young

Got into a discussion the other day, if you can imagine such a thing happening to me.  The topic at hand was the apparent homosexuality of a Disney character, but it rapidly became about something very different.  The other party insisted repeatedly that children are not capable of understanding homosexuality.

I've been a very hands-on aunt for most of my life.  My minions count in the dozens.  I've never come across a subject that children could not comprehend on some level.  You "dumb it down" for them, but they are capable of understanding.

Recently, I explained the transgender thing to a child.  I "dumbed it down" to having a girl brain in a boy body.  His head did not explode and he now understands the basic issue. We do have to be careful with our terminology - lesbians don't just love women, it's the getting-married kind of love.  We don't want little Suzie to decide she's clinically depressed because sometimes she feels sad.

Something else I've noticed about children is that they are more receptive to difference.  Race or religion are good touchstones here.  At a park, the kids all run and play together and it's no big deal if this one's a different color or that one won't eat a ham sandwich.  In fact, a conversation about those differences might start - thus they learn something about each other.  Adults could take a lesson.

It infuriates me that people so readily dismiss the brains of the young.  I have to laugh at some of the things I read in parenting magazines because otherwise I'd cry.  So much of that advice is stuff I've always done, without effort.  "When in the park, talk to the child about the various animals and plants you see."  WHO NEEDS TO BE TOLD THAT!?

Note I did not mention my position on having a girl brain in a boy body, or of wanting to marry a member of the same sex.  That all is really beside the point of this post.  The point here is simple.  Children are not stupid.  Simple, yes, but not stupid.

Another Barbie Rant

Just saw a news story about a woman who made a breast feeding Barbie.  Every now and then another story comes along about the Lammily doll - the normal Barbie is what that one usually gets called.  How pathetic do they think children are?  Dolls run on imagination and if your kid is so lacking in that area that they need all this stuff that's being sold, I'm afraid you have bigger problems.
You want your doll to breast-feed, pop open her shirt and have her hold a baby to her breast.  This is much easier with a elbow-articulated doll, by the way.  You want her to have a period, make her some little pads out of paper or bits of cloth.  There is no need for all these specialized dolls.

I give credit to the toy makers for more realistic proportions, even though I do not agree that Barbie's freakish figure psychologically damages children.

Lammily you can buy scar stickers for.  My Barbies have scars - mostly stray pen marks - and these aren't removable.  Who's realistic now, Lammily?  I've had Barbies lose limbs and explained it away with car accidents.  But some revolutionary out there is making amputee dolls.

I'll admit to having to coach my minions a bit, but I am not going to buy them something they can improvise for themselves.  If your child cannot figure out how to make a Zombie Fighter out of dolls, clothes, and accessories they already own...  I blame you.  Granted, it is more fun sometimes to have the specific character, but I'm referring to generalities.  A lot of these amazing, innovative dolls I'm hearing about are variations my doll-play even as a child. In the 1970s.

Little Plastic People - Part 3

Been looking at Barbie blogs.  There's a lot of them where folks have like whole communities of dolls and stage soap operas.  I really like the one called "How To Play With Barbies".  It's by a lady who has taken my philosophy of using the dolls as teaching tools way beyond what I do.  For example, in my Barbie World, if a kid wants to make Kira be married to Candy, I'm okay with it. Well, this lady has a doll of a lesbian celebrity - and  a doll of the real-life wife. She made the wife doll.  MADE it!  She used a doll of Mimi from The Drew Carey show to teach her daughter not to hate on fat people.  She seeks out dolls she can use for lessons.

I try not to have hard-and-fast rules about doll play.  I think it stifles creativity.  Right now, I'm making an album on my Facebook that's 2016 Barbie Scenarios and I have established for that a dollhouse family and some roles for others. But that probably won't be permanent, considering I'm eyeing the teen son for my next purge.  Also because, like I said, I try to avoid hard and fast rules.

My Barbie population now stands at 17 females, 10 males, and four animals.  I divide them into age groups by not just body molds, but faces as well.  A few of them are ambiguous - Mary could be a tall early teen or a late teen.  Sulu, Four, and Finnick are late teens or adults.  Skipper falls somewhere between the young teens and child.  Most of the adult females can also serve as late teens, but some of the faces firmly place them in one group or the other.

My minions have many stories of doll play at Jeanie's.  I've pontificated in the past about gender roles, so I'll spare you most of that.  Suffice to say that, to the best of my knowledge, none of my male minions has been gay.  There is a very real difference in how the boys play...  usually someone ends in with a head in the oven or toilet...

Meg Mysteries by Holly Beth Walker

The Meg books are a series of young female detective stories, along the lines of Nancy Drew and Trixie Belden.  I couldn't identify with the rich, almost grown Nancy.  Trixie and the Dana Sisters were better, but I absolutely LOVED Meg Duncan.  I'm now fifty years old and still own and read these books - my other teen detectives are long gone.  

The main character in these is younger than in the others, probably not technically a teen.  I think the books were written for the slightly younger set, as they're thinner and less complex.  I could read the entire series of six in a sitting, if I were so inclined.

Meg is an only child, who lives with her widowed father and a pair of elderly (or middle-aged, depending on the book) not-quite-servants.  The wife is the housekeeper and the husband caretaker of the property.  Meg's dad seems to be a workaholic.  She also has a Siamese cat, which might explain my own preference for the breed.  She has a backstory that includes an early childhood in Japan and a wealthy bachelor uncle.

Her sidekick is Kerry - who lives next door with her six siblings, many pets, and parents.  Much is made of her tomboy ways as compared to Meg's preference for painting and ballet.  Horses are a big part of Kerry's life, a wise choice on the author's part, given the audience.  It also solves the problem of having non-driver lead characters.

Anyway.  I'm not sure why I love these books so much.  I sometimes think I'd like to pick up where Holly Beth Walker left off.  Lots of people have never even heard of them, but they keep calling me back like Nancy Drew or Trixie Belden never did.

Bullying, Again

I pontificated before about the bullying problem and what I think should be done about it.  This one is for the kids.  Not the victims, not the bullies.  The other kids.  The ones who aren't sure what to do or how to do it.  The ones who will say "I didn't do anything to him."

I'm speaking from my own experience as a bullied junior high schooler.  Strange as it may seem, one of the kindest things a classmate ever did for me was a note.  It said "Please don't tell anyone because I don't want to be picked on, too.  I like you.  I think you are nice." With her signature.  I've never forgotten that.  That girl reached out to me the only way she felt she could.

A couple of other girls reached out, too, They gave me a makeover during Study Hall.  Maybe it was just that I was the only one who would let them, I really don't know.  When they finished and held up the mirror, I expected to look ridiculous.  I thought the whole thing was a set up, a means to humiliate me, but it wasn't.  They even offered to give me some of their make-up that they didn't want anymore. (I suspect knowledge of my family's poverty had more to do with it, but they wanted to protect my pride.)  One girl offered me clothes she didn't wear any more.  I declined the offers - I just knew it was a trap.  When I wore the offered cosmetics and clothing, they would make sure they entire school knew I was a rag picker.

Why did I feel that way?  When the teacher left the music classroom and the bullies pushed me into a corner, going through my purse and making fun of the contents, or just making fun of the purse itself...  No one spoke up.  A couple dozen kids let them do it.  To me, that said I deserved it.  That said we hate you just as much as those guys do.  That said I was loathed by the entire student body.

My period as the victim was only a year or two, but at the time it was forever.  All those kids who I know now did not hate me...  I just want to apologize to every one of them.  I want to tell them I understand why they didn't act.  But at the time, their loathing of me was a fact.  

So, boys and girls, the next time you see a classmate being pushed around, realize how your silence is perceived.  Realize that, in their eyes, you are either cheering the bullies on or - maybe worse - you don't care either way.  Even if you don't have the courage to confront the bully on their behalf (the best course), the least you can do is a kind word when no one is looking.

Why didn't I stand up for myself?  No one else stood up for me, at a time in my life when the opinions of your peers is crucial, so maybe I thought I deserved it.  (Well, I did eventually stand up for myself.  I like to think the small kindnesses mentioned above helped me to do so.)  Why didn't I just stop being *insert adjective*?  It's easy to blame the victim, maybe even part of human nature, so don't beat yourself up too much if you've done it.  A lot of the things kids get bullied over are beyond their control.  I couldn't make my mother get off Welfare, I wasn't allowed to do "normal" things, and I sure couldn't stop doing things I didn't know were "wrong".

So, you other kids, I give you life from the perspective of at least one bullying victim.  It's not enough to not bully.  It's not enough to feel sorry for them.  You have to act, even if all you do is plead with them not to blab the fact that they don't hate you.

Role Models

The news these days is full of celebrities being caught in bad behavior - and a resultant fall from grace annoys me.  Not so much because I think they don't deserve it, because some of them deserve worse than they are getting.  What annoys me about it is the shock "normal" folks experience when they discover a celebrity is not above reproach.

Years ago, I was told that going to the movies was, in effect, approving the Hollywood Lifestyle.  I thought that a strange way to look at it - after all, if I pay a waitress to serve my lunch, what she does at home is not my business.

The big one right now is Bill Cosby.  That endearing, funny man so many of us wished was our dad or uncle turns out to be an old pro at "slipping her a mickey".  But that doesn't make The Chicken Heart any less funny.  That doesn't mean we can't still giggle when God asks Noah how long he can tread water.

There are a couple of celebrities that recently got into trouble over calling someone a "nigger".  Both of them are from the south, old enough to remember the civil rights movement, and were talking about a specific person they did not like.  Anyone with half a brain, in the 21st century, should not be using that word, but the context is important.    

But I digress.  My real point here is that any role model is imperfect.  Even you.  Yes, you are a role model.  You can admire Angelina Jolie as an actress or as a humanitarian while disapproving of her past personal life.

The trick is teaching your kids to have sense about it.  I've said it before - talk to them.  Kids aren't stupid.  When someone they admire behaves badly, discuss it with them.  Teach them that people are not perfect, not even celebrities.  Teach them to emulate and reward the good in people without being blind to the faults.  Remember it for yourself.  None of us should be defined by a single action, good or bad.

Marriage and flags

ON GAY MARRIAGE 

Bestiality and pedophilia are not going to become legal because animals and children are not capable of informed consent.  There may be some basis to the thinking that polygamy might become legal, but as I have said before - if everyone involved knows what they're getting into, and no one is being hurt, why not?  

An aside to my Anarchist friends, who say the government has no business in marriage, anyway, I must disagree.  Marriage is a legal contract, as romanticized as it may be, and a legal contract is exactly the sort of thing government does have business in.  And as a genealogist, I feel for those who  would have to research those undocumented marriages.  

"The Bible says...."   The USA is not founded on religion, but upon freedom. What any Holy Book says has no bearing.    

ON FLAGS 

Speaking of things we worship, let's move on to flags.  A flag is nothing more or less than a symbol, and symbols can mean anything.  That's why dream interpretation is so difficult.  Yes, the flag in question was meant to rally the troops in support of, among other things, racism. The CSA's founding documents are full of references to the natural superiority of whites.  (I learned this only recently, myself.  Don't feel bad if you didn't know.)

 But even those rallied troops disagreed about what it stood for.  At least some of the Johnny Rebs were not fans of slavery. Compare it to the gay marriage thing.  I don't want to marry a woman (have slaves), I might even think it's wrong to marry a woman (have slaves), but my right to do should be validated.     

It's been over a hundred and fifty years.  The symbol has evolved even from that debate.  To most of the people I know, it's nothing more than a reminder to stand up for their beliefs or a way of identifying as a Southerner.  Yes, I know some racists who display it.  But they are vastly outnumbered.  

If we ban every flag that's flown over a wrong, there will be a lot of naked flagpoles around.  The American Flag - you know, the one only a traitor would even look at cross-eyed - flew over not only slavery, but the Indian Removal and Japanese Interment Camps.  The Jolly Roger, which I see often on children's clothes,  flew over all kinds of raping and pillaging.  Yet we understand that when we fly those flags, we aren't advocating that behavior.   

Draw a swastika on something and let people happen to see it.  When they freak out, tell them it was originally a symbol of protection and that they, therefore, are wrong to be offended by it.  Maybe even point out that the Nazis drew it in a very specific manner, different from yours.  Their reaction will tell you all you need to know about how a symbol evolves.  In the case of the swastika, it has been tainted by association with genocide.  It no longer means what it once did.  The Rebel flag evolved the opposite way, that's all.  

And even if it didn't, the First Amendment gives us the freedom to be horrible.  

Confused About Gender

I have always objected to gender roles.  I was delighted to hear that McDonald's will no longer refer to their Happy Meal toy selections as "boy toys" and "girl toys".  The first time a McDonald's asked if my Happy Meal was for a boy or a girl, I went ballistic.  Even though I understand that a "boy toy" is called this because most people who want to play with it are little penis-bearers, I still don't like the implication that a female child might burst into flames (or worse, grow up gay) because she plays with one.

Sadly, however, I find the reasoning is not because they want to avoid limiting a kid's options due to gender.  It is because they don't want to be insensitive to "gender confused" children.  Seriously, I have to wonder just how much gender confusion is caused by the very idea of gender roles.

I did a little research and found that most symptoms of Gender Confusion have to do with a child not fitting gender roles.  There are a few genetic anomalies, but otherwise the only symptom I read about that wasn't directly tied into gender roles was this: Some children actually express the desire to be the other sex.  And that might be an indirect thing.  I may have expressed the same wish as a child, not so much because I wanted a wiener, but because I had to lick the soap for saying "up your nose" when my brothers said a lot worse.  Because I was a girl and saying "up your nose" was not lady-like.  Had I been a boy, I might have wished to be a girl because girls didn't have to mow the lawn.

The problem lies in the attitude we, as a society, have about these things.  We believe there is something wrong with a boy who likes Barbie and with a girl who likes Hot Wheels.  Even if your little man wants to wear a pink ruffly dress, this doesn't mean he's Gender Confused.  Maybe weird, but he's probably pretty sure he's a dude - unless he's been told otherwise.  I will admit that none of my male minions have expressed the desire to dress like a Disney Princess, but they've all played with "girl toys" and the gals played with "boy toys".  I'm pretty sure they all know what sex they are.

Little boys get the worst of it.  We have a socially acceptable word for the "tomboy".  But the nicest word I can think of for a girly boy is "sissy".  Hardly the same level of acceptance there.  Might that be the cause of Gender Confusion?  If a child is told something - anything - often enough by the adults in his/her life, they are going to believe it.  A boy raised to think only a girl likes pink?  He might come to think he's a girl, since he likes pink, and thus exhibit the signs of Gender Confusion.

McDonald's contributed to the problem by enforcing, even subtly, gender roles.  Any person or business who refers to toys by gender preference did.  My question is this:  Why is it even a problem?  There will always be people who don't fit the norm, either by design or by choice.  Why not just accept them, as long as they are harmless?  Why do we have to vilify anyone until we are forced to be "sensitive" and then bend over backwards for them?

Female Role Models

I was the seventh of eight children, but my closest-in-age sister was five years older.  So, for all playing-pretend purposes, I was the only girl.  I remember playing Star Wars with my brothers - who were 7, 13, and 15 to my 11.  They had a wealth of characters to choose from.  I got one choice, Princess Leia.  The only other female in that movie was Aunt Beru and she died!  Leia was cool, but wanted some options.  The later movies didn't help, either, as the new characters were all male.  I was a girl, I had to be a female character.  If we played Superheroes, I had to be Wonder Woman. Star Trek, I got to be either Uhura or Nurse Chapel.  I did get to play at "Charlie's Angels" but only when the neighbor girls came over.  Some of my earliest writing was, for all intents and purposes, Fan Fiction.  With lots of girl characters.  So I'd have options when playing with my brothers.

Granted, my world was small.  My mother had very strange idea about what TV shows and movies were okay for her kids... I remember seeing "Porky's" with her, but not being allowed to watch any show with a laugh track.  I thought Ken was Barbie's brother.

Now, little girls have lots of options.  Star Wars and Star Trek have huge expanded universes.  There are even girl-focused things like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But now, I've noticed, little girls have a different problem.  Apparently, their options can't just be female - they have to be Feminist. Any female character who is married, has children, or cares about their appearance is considered bad for girls.  This leaves out Princess Leia - since she eventually marries and breeds, she is a terrible role model.  Tolkien's Eowyn and Arwen are also guilty of marriage and breeding.  They are bad role models.

I've recently become a fan of "Firefly".  There are at least two strong female role models on this show, but the one I hear called a Role Model is River Tam.  Somehow she is considered better than the veteran soldier or the genius mechanic.  Zoe and Kaylee own themselves, but apparently the fact that they like men makes them bad role models.  They own themselves, they choose to be with a man and possibly breed. Neither of them is defining herself through their men.  They are way more feminist than River, if only because they are women and she is a girl.  River doesn't know who she is.  Zoe and Kaylee do.

My world is still pretty small, so I'm sure there are lots of strong female characters I don't know about.  Of the ones I know, many of them fall short of the Feminist Ideal.  Robotech has lots of strong women, but since most of them hook up with men, they must not be good role models.  In the new Star Trek, is Uhura any less admirable because she's got a man?  In Harry Potter, we have Molly Weasley.  Is she any less of a role model because she's chosen to be a wife and mom?

If she's strong, capable, and happy with her choices, I consider any character to be a good role model for my female minions.   A healthy sex drive, a romantic interest, and a maternal instinct do not a weakling make.  In fact, the scariest enemy I can imagine is a mother defending her young.  Let these characters be complete women.  Stop limiting their choices. Isn't Feminism about women having choices?  If being a Feminist means a woman can't desire marriage and children, it's just another form of misogyny.

Let's talk about sex

My niece saw a woman breast feeding in public and her reaction was less than enlightened.  I have no problem with breast feeding in public, for two reasons. One, providing nourishment is the primary role of the breast.  It is why mammals have breasts.  Any secondary purpose is just that - secondary.  Skin can provide sexual pleasure, but societies that insist on covering every bit of it are considered backward and even sexist.   Two, it is unfair to women to make them cover what men can flaunt - even men no one wants to see.  A breast is a secondary sexual characteristic - medical definition there - just like the beards and body hair men have.  (Yes, I am advocating that women should be allowed to be topless in public.)

Of course, this hypocrisy isn't limited to the breast-feeding debate.  Or even to breasts themselves.  Our entire culture is obsessed with sex.  Look at our advertising, our pop culture, even our Snobby Literature.  (Read some Shakespeare.  Damn!)   But then look at our real life.  Children are not allowed to have a penis or a vulva - they have cutesy names for those parts like "PeeBug" or "Lolly".  We explain, in simple terms at first, how digestion and breathing work, but sex is taboo.

How many molested children could have been saved by the simple knowledge that these are ADULT actions, and therefore should not be done to or by kids?  We teach them to report "Bobby punched me" or "Suzie stole my allowance", but not this violation.  Because we don't want our children to know about sex.  That's just plain stupid.

I am a prude.  I think you should wait for marriage.  I regret having had sex.  That said, I also know that the sex I had did not kill me or even make me sick. What passes for Sex Ed in most schools is a lesson in biology followed by IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU WILL GET AIDS AND DIE. We don't teach Driver's Ed by screaming IF YOU DRIVE YOU WILL WRECK AND DIE.  In every other area, we teach moderation and caution.  This can be done with sex.  It is not the job of the schools to teach morals or religion.  If you don't want your child to have sex for moral or religious reasons, it is your job to teach them that.

I'm also a borderline nudist.  But that's a whole 'nother blog.

The Pledge of Allegiance

I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.  

This was the original Pledge of Allegiance.  It wasn't until later that the word "to" was put in front of "the republic".  Even later, they changed "my flag" to "the flag of the United States of America".  Even after that, the much discussed "under God" was added. Some claim that adding "under God" made it a prayer, and therefore a violation of Separation of Church and State.  Now that you've had a history lesson, let's move on.

I am an agnostic-bordering-on-pagan.  I do not engage in the blind patriotism or mindless conformity implied by the Pledge.  But I also do not take issue with kids saying it every morning in school.  They have no clue what a pledge really means.  We aren't cognizant of the ramifications at that age, so the recitation of a bunch of words means nothing.  It holds no sway over them and no one - including any reasonable god - is going to hold them to it.

Saying the Pledge will not make him an American Patriot if he goes home to adults who want to overthrow the Commie Kenyan.  Reciting "Under God" will not make him a worshiper of anything he doesn't see worshiped by those he respects and loves.  You want your kid to be a patriot and worship a god?  Practice what you preach.  Talk to him - kids are not stupid. 

"But he's just a child.  He can't understand."  You just proved my point. 

Bazookas and Barbies

If you buy your kids guns, they will be Jack The Ripper.  If you buy your kids fashion dolls, they will be prissy and brainless.  What?!  That's possibly the silliest thing I ever heard of.  A BB Gun or a Barbie is an inanimate object.  It has no power over you or yours.  What has the power over you, particularly as a child, is other people.  I live with a seven year old boy who plays with both weapons and dolls.  He is not growing up to be either Charlie Manson or Liberace.

He knows not to shoot anything with a face and a pulse - unless he is going to eat it, or it is trying to eat him - even with Nerf.  Violence he sees on TV and video games is explained in context.  "Yes, James Bond killed that guy, but that guy was trying to blow up Europe."  "Captain Kirk was bad to want to kill all the Klingons.  I'm glad he figured that out."   

The dolls technically aren't his, they belong to the crazy aunt in the attic.  At least, the evil fashion dolls are.  His plastic people are 'action figures' and therefore either belong in the War Toys discussion or are socially acceptable.  The fashion dolls generally have what he calls "Barbie School".  He is teacher and principal.  Curriculum has covered subjects like Pokemon, volcanoes, video games, dinosaurs...  never fashion!  His class has a variety of skin tones (many of them aren't even human), they all get along, and most of them look like they've been through a wind tunnel.

We teach by example.   I have used Barbies for many years to teach kids of both genders about the things that make us different, and how it ultimately doesn't matter unless you're hurting someone. My Barbies have had adventures that'd curl Mattel's hair!  The hunters and military men in my family have always been very big on the safety issues.  And, no, that doesn't meant put the safety on before handing the gun to Junior.

Inanimate objects do not have that kind of power unless YOU give it that power.  Even the official toy company line has no power once that toy is in your kid's hot little hands.  Hand your little girl a Barbie and she's going to emulate the people around her.  Hand your boy a Nerf Bazooka and he's gonna do what he's been taught is appropriate. Switch the toys and the kids will be fine.

I used to get really mad about "Boy Toys" and "Girl Toys" because I felt that it limited the child's options, but I've come to realize that it is a generalization.  Most boys prefer certain toys, most girls prefer other toys.  This is not meant to be a limitation, no one is going to stop a little boy from buying Barbie.  Except maybe you...

 

Personal Responsibility

There's an old saying "Bring up your children in the way they should go and when they are grown they will not depart from it".  This is true, to a point.  That point is the crux of today's rant.  Certainly, your child is more likely to hold the same basic values as you.  They will probably agree with your religion, your politics, your opinion of the world around you.  This is why we have to model the life we want our children to lead.

However!  (You knew that was coming, right?)  There comes a time when the children must chose their own path.  We could argue all day about when that is, whether a certain age or a landmark event, but the time does come.

People are not pottery - a flaw in our clay is not permanent.  And our parents are not the only potters turning that wheel.  "It takes a village to raise a child" even in today's Mind-Your-Own-Business world.  Had my parents been the only influence in my life, I'd have never developed many of my interests.  I would not believe that people are inherently good (if a tad selfish).  There were other potters at that wheel.  The flaws any one potter put into my clay was either fixed or worsened by the others.  


By elementary school, we've been taught stealing is wrong.  By Junior High, we know that we're expected to show up for work (and going to school is your job at this point).  By High School , we know what birth control is.  By the time we are drinking age, society has shown us that booze affects our judgement.  Even if our parents are drunken thieves with no job and sixteen children, we know these things.

Bring up your child in the path you'd like him to follow, lead by example, and when he is grown...  Hold him responsible if he does something bad or stupid.  He isn't an urn.  He's a human being, capable of working around the flaws if not of repairing them.