Bullying

With the new school year upon us, there's an upsurge in talk of bullying.  Having been a victim of bullying and a pseudo-parent, I thought I would toss my opinions into the ring. Peer pressure has long been seen as a means of social control, and it can have positive outcomes. The egregious examples of bullying, of course, are the ones we hear about the most. The ones who drive the victim possibly as far as suicide.  But often it is simply peer pressure gone wrong.

When I was in junior high, I was hygienically challenged and I clung to things my classmates had left far behind.  I got un-stinky and (as far as they knew) I'd given up childish pursuits, so they zeroed in on the clothes.   These were what I consider real bullies.  The ones that, if they sense a weakness, will exploit it.  My wardrobe was mostly hand-me-downs and my youngest sister was five years my senior.  In 1978, I was wearing 1973 (if that new) fashions.  Finally, my stepmother took me shopping for new school clothes.  Finally, I was in the same clothes the cheerleaders were wearing!  That did not shut the real bullies up.  They started in on my hairdo, or my lack of make-up, or anything they could.  That was when I gave up.  Not gave up as in suicide. I gave up trying to please them.

I know it isn't always so simple - especially if the bullying is physical - but in my case that worked.  By the tenth grade, I was largely accepted.  Or at least left alone.  I've always tried to encourage that in the children I know.  Ignoring the bullies is best, if possible.  They simply do not matter.  I also give my kids instruction in how not to be a bully, because I do believe it can happen by accident or by omission.

If you tease a classmate for being really short, does it hurt their feelings?  Make sure it doesn't - let them know you are just playing.  Everyone playfully teases the people they like, and to teach our kids different is just going to confuse them.  If you see a classmate being hurt - emotionally or physically - get up and defend them.  As a parent, teacher, or doting aunt, it is the adult's job to teach children that even kids they don't like do not deserve to be bullied.

What to do if you are being bullied?  Something I find alarming is that most practical solutions will get the victim into at least as much trouble as the bully.  Retaliate, either physically or verbally?  You get busted, both by the school and frequently by both sets of parents.  To tattle on the bully is counterproductive - he is gonna deny it and then beat you up worse later.  Banding together with the other victims, for some psychological or sociological reason, does not happen.

What to do if you see someone else being bullied? The same logic applies here.  One who intervenes will likely end up in the same situation as one who retaliates.  Teachers have to actually witness the incident themselves before they can take action, but who wants to always hang around the teachers?

So, what do we do?  We, as a society, need to stop this.  Because it ain't just the kids doing it.   As a kid, I was bullied by the same adults that were supposed to be protecting me.  Gym teachers who heard the mocking of my peers and said nothing - or even joined in.  An English teacher branded me a trouble maker, just on the basis of my surname.  Parents, even.  As an adult, it can be co-workers or bosses who give you extra work while they chat.  Your child's teacher who condescends to you because you work at Burger King.  The other parents who refuse to chat with you at pick-up time.

Entire dissertations have been written on why bullies bully.  What it boils down to, really, is because they gain power from it.  We need to take that power.  When your kid comes home with a detention slip because he stood up for himself, or someone else, then do not punish him.  He did the right thing.  Or the wrong thing for the right reasons.  "Bobby got detention for fighting, but his parents didn't ground him" sends a message, and not just to Bobby.

Granted, I'm no expert, and there are always exceptions, but I think the problem with bullying is that we've taken away the Leave It To Beaver solution.  Teach the victim to fight - emotionally, physically, verbally - if attacked. Teach our young to defend each other - even that annoying girl who has a crush on you - from the bullies.  Take back our playgrounds, our parks, our sidewalks.  Hell, even our Internet.  Go on the offensive.

The Customer is frequently wrong.

People now think they can take their pets into a store or restaurant.  All they have to do is claim it is a Service Animal.  Or say something about how cruel it would be to leave Fido in the hot car.  Here's a couple of thoughts on the subject - if you can't be apart from your pet long enough to get some groceries or a Big Mac, there are much bigger issues at hand.  Yes, sometimes things happen you don't expect.  You are coming home from the dog park and realize you need a jug of milk.  That's not what I'm talking about - I'm talking about expecting the staff of a business to let you break the law because you want to be there for at least a half an hour.

If you have one of those Saver Cards that get you ten cents off a gallon "on your next fill up", read the small print.  It's usually your next gas purchase, and if you waste that discount on a smaller one, do not scream at the cashier.  You fell for the hyperbole of advertising - and she did not write the ad.  She also is not allowed to take expired coupons.  

Twelve items or less (grammar Nazi wincing here) means you are not supposed to unload two carts.  If your cashier is underage, she is required by law to call over another person to scan your booze or smoke.  A place is going to close and open according to their clock, not yours.  

If your child is using safety features at the gas station or a cart corral as a monkey bar, do not get bent when the employees ask them not to.  They are just trying to keep your kid alive and the business from being sued. They really are minding their own business.