Bullying

With the new school year upon us, there's an upsurge in talk of bullying.  Having been a victim of bullying and a pseudo-parent, I thought I would toss my opinions into the ring. Peer pressure has long been seen as a means of social control, and it can have positive outcomes. The egregious examples of bullying, of course, are the ones we hear about the most. The ones who drive the victim possibly as far as suicide.  But often it is simply peer pressure gone wrong.

When I was in junior high, I was hygienically challenged and I clung to things my classmates had left far behind.  I got un-stinky and (as far as they knew) I'd given up childish pursuits, so they zeroed in on the clothes.   These were what I consider real bullies.  The ones that, if they sense a weakness, will exploit it.  My wardrobe was mostly hand-me-downs and my youngest sister was five years my senior.  In 1978, I was wearing 1973 (if that new) fashions.  Finally, my stepmother took me shopping for new school clothes.  Finally, I was in the same clothes the cheerleaders were wearing!  That did not shut the real bullies up.  They started in on my hairdo, or my lack of make-up, or anything they could.  That was when I gave up.  Not gave up as in suicide. I gave up trying to please them.

I know it isn't always so simple - especially if the bullying is physical - but in my case that worked.  By the tenth grade, I was largely accepted.  Or at least left alone.  I've always tried to encourage that in the children I know.  Ignoring the bullies is best, if possible.  They simply do not matter.  I also give my kids instruction in how not to be a bully, because I do believe it can happen by accident or by omission.

If you tease a classmate for being really short, does it hurt their feelings?  Make sure it doesn't - let them know you are just playing.  Everyone playfully teases the people they like, and to teach our kids different is just going to confuse them.  If you see a classmate being hurt - emotionally or physically - get up and defend them.  As a parent, teacher, or doting aunt, it is the adult's job to teach children that even kids they don't like do not deserve to be bullied.

What to do if you are being bullied?  Something I find alarming is that most practical solutions will get the victim into at least as much trouble as the bully.  Retaliate, either physically or verbally?  You get busted, both by the school and frequently by both sets of parents.  To tattle on the bully is counterproductive - he is gonna deny it and then beat you up worse later.  Banding together with the other victims, for some psychological or sociological reason, does not happen.

What to do if you see someone else being bullied? The same logic applies here.  One who intervenes will likely end up in the same situation as one who retaliates.  Teachers have to actually witness the incident themselves before they can take action, but who wants to always hang around the teachers?

So, what do we do?  We, as a society, need to stop this.  Because it ain't just the kids doing it.   As a kid, I was bullied by the same adults that were supposed to be protecting me.  Gym teachers who heard the mocking of my peers and said nothing - or even joined in.  An English teacher branded me a trouble maker, just on the basis of my surname.  Parents, even.  As an adult, it can be co-workers or bosses who give you extra work while they chat.  Your child's teacher who condescends to you because you work at Burger King.  The other parents who refuse to chat with you at pick-up time.

Entire dissertations have been written on why bullies bully.  What it boils down to, really, is because they gain power from it.  We need to take that power.  When your kid comes home with a detention slip because he stood up for himself, or someone else, then do not punish him.  He did the right thing.  Or the wrong thing for the right reasons.  "Bobby got detention for fighting, but his parents didn't ground him" sends a message, and not just to Bobby.

Granted, I'm no expert, and there are always exceptions, but I think the problem with bullying is that we've taken away the Leave It To Beaver solution.  Teach the victim to fight - emotionally, physically, verbally - if attacked. Teach our young to defend each other - even that annoying girl who has a crush on you - from the bullies.  Take back our playgrounds, our parks, our sidewalks.  Hell, even our Internet.  Go on the offensive.