One thing that seems universal, and especially for those of us on a mental health journey, is the mixed message. Some of them are comical - a man with a cigarette punishing his kids for smoking, for example. But the ones I want to talk about today are the ones we get when trying to apply things we've learned in therapy to daily life.
I do a lot of people-pleasing, also known as going along to get along. I don't even form strong opinions about mundane things (believe it or not) in order to avoid conflict. I do enjoy a good, civilized debate about important issues, but that's not what I'm referring to. I'm talking about "Where do we want to have lunch?"
The home I grew up in was not conducive to disagreement. If we were wrong about something factual, we were either stupid or lying. I'm sure that played a large part in my love of research. As for opinions, I learned early on that Jeanie's opinion was trash. None of my interests mattered, unless it happened to coincide with theirs.
You may wonder what all this has to do with the Mixed Message. You may think I've digressed. I haven't, I promise. Since I've learned to express those things that do matter to me, those old patterns create the mixed message. Because others haven't broken with them.
This is common with anyone on the road to Mental Health. That's why family therapy is often recommended. That's why addicts are encouraged to get a whole new group of friends. Because if those around us oppose our new attitude, it's very easy to slip back into those old patterns. They are comforting because we know them.
But they are not harmless. The behaviors that harm us, no matter what they may be, have harmed those around us. If others aren't on the journey with us, but want us to heal, those messages are inevitable. Because "I know I told you to stand up to people, but I didn't mean me" is a very real thing.
