I Can't Help It

I see so many people who claim they or their children "can't help it" because they are ill or disabled.  Yes, there are things we can't help. My own illness means I have a whispering demon in my head.  It used to be a shouting demon, but my medicine turns the volume down considerably, and I take steps to actively ignore it.

I've got other health problems, too...  I'm diabetic.  I have a lazy thyroid and too much fat in my blood.  I'm overweight.  But none of these gives me the right to disregard my fellow human beings.  Depression is, obviously, the worst of my illnesses.  Because of it, I often do - or want to do - things that compound the others.  I sometimes don't eat, or eat stuff I shouldn't.  I don't get enough exercise.  Checking my blood sugar is too much work.  On the surface, none of that seems like I'm hurting anyone but myself.  But what happens if I pass out or have a heart attack?

There are smaller issues, too.  My few responsibilities to others sometimes are not met.  These people are correct in calling me on it. To claim others should let me get away with slacking off because I "can't help it" is wrong. Just today, I cleaned the litter box and forgot to sweep up the scattered litter around it.  When I was reminded, I did it.  Sometimes, I'm so down I don't even want to bathe.  Should I walk around all stinky and expect everyone else to deal with it because I "can't help" it?

I do ask for help - my family and friends are known to take a cookie right out of my hand or remind me that I have to pick the boy up from school.  Some of them are more tactful than others, but that's okay.  There is no shame in admitting you need help.

There are, and will be, times that the problem gets out of control.  The goal is to minimize those times - so that when they come, others will not ignore my need for extra help or simply for patience.  I minimize those times by controlling my actions.

I see kids today getting away with murder (not literally) because they have one of those Alphabet Soup illnesses.  This is counter-productive.  These kids should be getting taught to work around and deal with the problem, not to hide behind it.  They need to learn how to ask for help, not how to demand subservience. The parents in question think they are helping, but they really aren't.  The real world is not going to accept the excuse.

Second Mom

Well, that day is upon us once again. Social media is overflowing with "Repost this if you love your mother" and "God couldn't be everywhere, so he made Mothers".  Advertisers tell me my mother wants jewelry and chocolates and flowers on her special day. We should always appreciate, but often that becomes taking for granted, so we have a holiday to remind us.

I did not have one of those mothers.  My mother did a lot of things very wrong.  She did have good qualities. It was from her I learned to respect other cultures (Specifically, American Indians, but one thing leads to another.)  She struck terror into the hearts of teachers she felt were dealing unfairly with her children. But the fact is, she should never have been a mother. She simply was not equipped for motherhood.

She did, however, have one of those mothers.  Mamma (pronounced Mam-ma) filled in the gaps to the best of her ability and I worship the ground she walked on.  And there was another, the woman I call my Second Mom.  Not a stepmother (I was never allowed to like her) but the mother of a friend from school.  After over twenty years, that friendship imploded, but Second Mom never turned her back on me.

Both Mamma and Mother are dead now, but every year Second Mom gets a card for Mother's Day.  Even though I was past puberty when I entered her life, she did for me the things a mom should do.  The things Mother didn't do. She helped me through where Mother didn't.  I wish I could see her more often, but circumstances prevent that.

Please, if you comment publicly on this blog, refrain from spewing venom in Mother's direction. This isn't really about her.  It's about Second Mom and how much she still means to me, nearly a decade after I had to walk out of her life for all intents and purposes.