Gender Reveals

Another wild fire started by another gender reveal party has opened up the whole can of gender worms.  Not that it was ever really closed.  And no one seems to be focusing on the real issue.  So I'm dusting off the ole soap box. 

1. Any celebration can lead to injury or even disaster if the celebrants are careless. I'm sure people have been injured and even killed at birthday parties or holiday celebrations, but try telling people to ban those and see how far it gets you. Letting unqualified people handle (or build) pyrotechnics for any reason is downright foolish, and that's what causes things like wild fires and homemade pipe bombs.  

2. Social Media is no more to blame for people showing off than a skateboard or a sports car.  The people who are impressed by whatever the stunt might be are not to blame.  The person showing off chose to do it, and are therefore responsible for any damage done.   It's no different than "Billy dared me." 

3. Yes, people do care what sex someone's baby is.  Family and friends do, and for celebrities of all stripes, the fans do.  For one thing, knowing that fact makes gift shopping much easier.  If you want to complain about people being gendered before birth, refer to my next point.

4. "Gender" has also become the polite term for the biological fact, which is why Sex Reveal Parties aren't causing wild fires, and that does confuse the issue.  If I announce the child in my womb has a penis and testicles, all that means is that his biological sex is male.  Stating a biological fact is not gendering.  Dividing toy departments by the sex of the child is gendering.  Telling a male child he can't wear pink is gendering. 

5. Often the decor is quite gendered at these parties. (Imagine what these parties would look like if decor stuck to biology!)   Cakes say things like "Tiaras or trucks" and "Glitter or guns".  Pink and blue everything is everywhere.  Parents who take those stereotypes to heart are going to have more impact on the child than a party that happens before birth. Parents who are having fun with it, just for the day?  Not so much. 

6.  No one is hurting you by having, or not having, a party to announce the sex of their child.  At least not if they do it responsibly. If you feel these parties are morally wrong, don't attend.  I don't go to drunken orgies for just that reason. 

Back to the original point. People are losing their homes and lives while we bicker over sex and gendering.  If you must be negative, blame the careless, not the thing they were celebrating.

In Defense of My Hometown

The little Ohio town where I spent most of my first 40 years has been in the news a lot lately.  In light of recent events, a group of locals put together a "demonstration of solidarity".  Other locals, and some who aren't so local, decided to counter-protest.  Not sure how you counter-protest something that isn't a protest, but that's what they did.  They clearly don't understand the implied "too" in the BLM movement and a large number of them seemed to think rioting is the norm for BLM.  Oh, yeah, and the 2nd Amendment was somehow threatened by people carrying signs.

Now for some background: Bethel is 98% white, but it was founded by abolitionists.  The Grant Memorial building is one of our landmarks - yes, that Grant.  He's from that neck of the woods.   I'm not going to say there is no racism in Bethel, but I can recall only two overtly racist incidents and one of those may have been nothing but a rumor.  My family doctor was Filipino and a member of Daddy's church.  

The counterprotestors (not all of whom were locals) were convinced the BLM movement is about Black Supremacy, anti-police, and rioting.  That's what they rolled into town to stop from happening.  Then they physically attacked the peaceful demonstrators and ignored police instructions.  (Wait, what?)  That's what was all over the news.  The loud mouths and the violence.  Now the whole world seems to think Bethel, Ohio, is a hotbed of racism.  

It. Is. Not. 

Racism did not exist to me until my world grew beyond the borders of Bethel.  Not just because I'm white, but because in my world the color of people's skin was simply a difference, just like the color of their eyes of their hair.  I knew enough to think the n-word was impolite.  I do recall feeling the need to qualify thinking Billy Dee Williams was cute with "for a black guy" but honestly, that's the only way any of it touched my life until adulthood.  

My point, and I do have one, is that Bethel is a nice town populated by nice people.  Those counter-protestors were coming from a position of ignorance, not of hatred.  Most of them, anyway.  I don't live in Bethel any more, through no fault of Bethel's, but I will defend it.  

  

Private Lives of Public Figures... Again

When I was young, I was told that going to the movies meant I'm okay with the "Hollywood Lifestyle".  I wasn't quite driving age, but that logic seemed wrong and it still does.  Yes, celebrities are role models with huge areas of influence, but they are still human beings. 

Bill Cosby once scolded Eddie Murphy for profanity.  He waved around an honorary PhD as if he'd actually earned it.  I didn't like him then, for those things, and we've learned since that he was doing way worse things.  Yet I still enjoy quoting his old stand-up routines.   

Linda would have broken up The Beatles if Yoko hadn't.  Both  Paul and John wrapped their whole worlds around a woman, and Paul acted like John was in the wrong for doing it.  I don't like hypocrites.  But Paul is a fantastic musician.  His talent can't be denied.  

Johnny Depp stands accused but never convicted.  Michael Jackson stands accused but never convicted.  (Innocent until proven guilty but I digress.)  I am a fan both of the men, in their creative fields.  Depp can act circles around most of Hollywood and Jackson made amazing music. 

JK Rowling has said a lot of things, some I agree with and some I don't.  I don't think I'd enjoy having dinner with her.   I've also read the Harry Potter series repeatedly and will continue to do so.  

We've had a series of adulterers and racists in the White House.  Most of this nation's Founders were slave owners.  Yet we judge those men, at least the more historically distant ones, on the quality of the job done.  We should be judging the recent ones the same way.   

I consider the money I spend or the vote I cast to be payment for a job done well.  The amount of support I give for said job depends entirely upon how well.  The private life of payee is none of my business.  This applies equally to a celebrity and to a grocery store clerk. 

Colorblind

Yet another wave of racial unrest brings with it a lot of bewildered white folks.  I'm going to toss out a few of the things I've learned as a rural white girl living in a racially divided world.  I hope it helps someone.  I don't care what color the someone it helps might be. 

We can't be "colorblind", as so many of us would like to believe we are.  To ignore a person's race is as much a disservice as ignoring their sex or religion.  I'm a white, formerly Catholic, female.  All of those things have shaped my life and my person.  My friends and family of color are not going to understand any uniquely white facets.  My male friends and family aren't going to understand being a girl.  My friends and family of other faiths...  well, you get the idea. 

Every day brings us situations we see differently based on our race.  (Other factors, too, but we are focusing on the race thing today.)  A clerk in the store is rude, I assume it's because of my Food Stamp card, but the black man behind me is likely to assume that clerk is a racist.  Probably the clerk is having a bad day, or is just a big jerk, but that doesn't change our perceptions and we have valid reasons for our perceptions.  

Saying "get to work, slaves" to your co-workers is not a good idea if any of them are black.  Calling an adult male "boy" as a simple synonym for male?  Again, not a good idea with blacks involved.  Putting a Barbie head on your car antenna as a "here's the car" signal?  Make sure she has the same skin color you do...     All of these are things I did back in my Colorblind days.  I was hurt by the reactions.  In the case of the Barbie head, the hurt would have been physical if not for a nearby security guy!  

For my fellow white folks who want to be not-a-racist, I suggest doing what I did.  Find someone of color, someone you have mutual respect with, and talk to them.  Both parties should do his or her best to remain calm, keep in mind the end goal, and take breaks if needed.  This is not an easy project.  

Avoid those who are too angry to reason with.   

Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes.  How would I feel if women (since I'm one of those) were routinely killed for resisting arrest?  How would I feel if I couldn't walk down the street without someone screaming "Go back to Europe" at me?  This little game can work for other marginalized groups as well...  how would it be if straights were called perverts for holding hands in the supermarket?  

Anyway, being "colorblind" is not a good thing.  Color should be noted, right along with any other applicable demographics.  I'm going to overstep a bit here and suggest that all of us, no matter what color we are, should make it policy to avoid letting color anger us.  We all need to focus on the things we have in common, and on seeing our fellow humans as the individuals they are.

Tammy

I generally try to avoid using names in my blog and this one's gonna ramble.  But bear with me, please.

At the end of March, my niece was hospitalized.  Her thigh was swelling to the point of stretching the skin, maybe splitting the skin, I'm not sure.  Her recurring back pain was unbearable.  This is the last time any of the family saw her, because of COVID-19, excepting a brief visit her husband managed to talk them into allowing.  Tests were run and a diagnosis of cancer given, in the lymph nodes, a few internal organs, and her spine.  We don't have a specific prognosis.  We just have a woman in her early thirties, in hospice care.

Tammy has two children.  She has a mother, a sister, a husband, and friends coming out of the woodwork.  She has a huge extended family of aunts and uncles and cousins.  She isn't perfect, of course, being a mere human.  None of us are.

Tammy and her sister spent pretty much every weekend at my place, from the time they were in diapers until adulthood.   We rose on Saturday morning and took my grandmother to the grocery, where she would fuss over and spoil them as great-grandmothers do.  Often there was another cousin or two in our group.  Once we had Mamma back home and we failed to sneak out without her forcing gas money on us, we hit the public library and then to a cousin's house.  That was Saturday.  We aren't so close now as we were then.  As we each grew into the woman she is today, our interests diverged and we drifted apart as people do.

I'm not mad about the COVID-19 rules, even if I think they should be bent for Tammy's situation.  I understand all that "needs of the many" stuff.  I have friends and family of every stripe appealing to whatever higher power they believe in.  Barring an outright miracle, those prayers and vibes might only be giving us comfort, but I'll take it. 

Anything that can do this to a woman who just wants to feed her kids and play in the rain should not exist.  I'm so angry on her behalf and hurting on my own.  My Brown-Eyed Girl is slipping away and there's nothing I can do.  Except be there for the rest of us and that feels like so little.

It's Not That Simple

Another blog about the pandemic.  It's funny that I'm the one to say this, since I'm usually the one boiling things down to basics, but:

1."It's just another flu."  No, it isn't.  The mere fact that it has been declared a pandemic is proof of that.  Even if the symptoms and death rates are similar, there's the sheer number of patients.  The CDC and WHO know a lot more about these things than we do, whether you believe they are in on a conspiracy or not.

2. "They're taking our rights!  It's a ploy to take them forever!"  This is logical on the surface.  Yes, our right to assemble appears to be gone.  But is it?  The Non-Aggression Principle adhered to by those anarchists with brains tells us that our rights are void if they cause harm to others.  Gathering in large groups is potentially harmful to ourselves and others during any viral outbreak.

There is also no evidence to support the permanent removal of said rights.  For every Nazi Germany that started by using fear to trick citizens into compliance, there's a Spanish Flu that used these measures temporarily.  I also can't recall Hitler using an actual pandemic to start his purge.  He used nationalism.

3. "It's (insert group with initals for a name)  trying to wipe out their enemies."  Even if this thing was created in a lab, which I doubt, there is no logic to any of these groups killing large numbers of their own people.  COVID-19 isn't checking your political or religious affiliations before hopping right into your system.

4. "Any one who catches it is as good as dead."  Um, no.  Lots of people get it and recover.  Lots of people don't even feel sick when they have it.  The death rate is actually lower than some forms of influenza.  Again, the problem here is the sheer numbers of people infected.

5. "The economy" vs "Karen".  To simply reopen would create a surge in COVID-19 cases.  To remain in complete lockdown is going to create a different surge. Cabin Fever is the common term for a very real psychological  event. We're already seeing a rise in reports of suicide and domestic abuse.  If we wait COVID-19 out, we allow the ecomony to completely fail.  Unemployment and homelessness are leading triggers for suicide and domestic violence.  A pandemic in a capitalist world, populated by social creatures like humans, is a textbook example of "damned if you do, damned if you don't".

6. "Reopening in stages is stupid." The medical community has had time to prepare and the smaller waves which result from each stage can be dealt with.  Our hospitals shouldn't be overwhelmed.  Those of us with mental health issues can see an end to the torment.  Abusers can storm out of the house instead of beating their partners and children.   People can get back to work.  Death is inevitable.  We just get to choose, or try to choose, what form it might take and when it might happen. 

Also, if you don't like the steps taken by our elected officials, remember.  Come Election Day, do your civil duty.  Take your country back.  Just not with AK-47s.  That's excessive.

Stay At Home

I'm seeing a lot of news stories about how so few Americans are staying at home during this pandemic. One story is using cell phone trackers and defining compliance as staying within a five mile radius of home.  Another is unclear on how the data is gathered, but seems to be defining it as staying on your own property.  I could go on, but these two examples are sufficient to make my point.

Very few of us are able to never leave their property.  We all have essential errands.  Essential workers usually drive farther that five miles to do their jobs.  Grocery store pick-up services are becoming very popular, but those using said services still need to go (often more than five miles) pick the stuff up.

My grocery and doctor are roughly 15 miles from home.  In opposite directions.  I'm definitely in violation according to most of these reports.  I go to the store twice a month and the doctor every three to six months, depending upon my test results.  Most of my other errands are within that five mile limit and I combine errands in the same area into a single trip.  That was my usual pattern long before COVID-19.

I'd rather find my own substitute for a 45 ounce Blue Bonnet than further burden the overworked and underpaid. If  my choice to shop for myself, even with precautions like a mask and wet-naps, makes me a horrible person, then I'll own it.

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There's also the question of how your area defines the order.  A small family group was in the local park when I ran to the pharmacy.  A handful of boys on the basketball court were at least attempting to stay six feet apart, playing Horse.  A single teenager on a bicycle practiced dumb teenage stunts.  None of these people were in violation.   Yet, according to most of these news stories, every one of us is part of the problem.

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When you see a news story like this, I urge you to think for a moment.  How is the study in question defining compliance?  How are they gathering the data?  Where are all these people going, if everywhere and everything is closed?

The same is true of stories about those who are arrested for not complying.  Regardless of your feelings about the entire situation, a man who was arrested "alone in the ocean" was actually charged with trespassing on a closed public beach.  A father who was cuffed "in front of his daughter" refused to identify himself to the police.  He had a right to do so, yes, but the fact of the matter is this:  He was not charged with anything to do with Social Distancing or Stay-At-Home.

Most of us are complying to the best of our ability, according to what our areas have ruled.  Most of the police and even politicians are not going full Hitler on us.  The newspapers are just reporting what sells.  If we fail to use the critical thinking skills we either evolved or had handed to us by some deity, that's our failing.

Social Isolation With The Demon, Part Two

I associate silence with anger.  It makes me very uncomfortable.  If you were to see me driving down the road, no one in my vehicle with me, I'm talking.  Usually working out my next blog post or some story point for my fiction, but talking instead of thinking.  There's an imaginary passenger asking questions and supplying feedback.  I informed my dolls today that I was running to the pharmacy and would be back soon.  None of that is new.

What is new is the lack of interaction with actual human beings.  I'm not social, but I am friendly.  The closest I've been to neighborly chit-chat was standing as far apart as possible in the elevator with Scooter Man and reminding myself not to lean in closer so I could hear him.   I've taken a few solitary walks to enjoy the coming of spring, but it just isn't the same alone.  One of my sisters and a good friend have offered to walk with me, practicing social distancing or wearing a mask, but neither of those conditions allows conversation.   Not when one of us is hard of hearing.

Usually, when cabin fever hits, I wander over to the local dollar store or fast food joint.  I chat with the workers, look at different walls, and it serves as a mental reset button.  But not now.

Besides essential trips to places like the pharmacy and grocery, I've not gone anywhere but my nephew's house.  I do laundry there and watch TWD when it's running new episodes.  I have charge of the flower bed there, a leftover from my long residence with them, and indulged in some weeding.  Both parents are essential workers and I'm immunocompromised.  They, the biggest source of comfort to me when feeling lonely, are practicing social distancing with me even inside their home.  For my own protection.  I know that.

But it still hurts when I go to the sink while he's unloading the dish drainer and he steps briskly away.  The usual trips to the garden store I'd be having with her have not happened.  The Boy hasn't terrorized Barbieville in a month.  Those are the things I am aching for.  The little things I simply cannot do, for my own protection and that of those around me.

Unrelated to the pandemic:  One of my minions was hospitalized and among the tests they did were cancer screenings.  I changed her diapers, I changed both her children's diapers, and I'm powerless to do anything for her or them.

There's a constant mumble from the cage in the corner of my mind.  My dreams are bad.  I cried last night because I couldn't glue the leg back on a giant plastic spider.  I'm still forcing myself to get out of bed, get fully dressed, and socialize online as I still can.  I'm not allowing The Demon to take over.  But it's getting harder.

I hope this is over soon.  Right now, we're looking at May.  Hoping for May.  Freaking praying for May.  Thank you, everyone, for all the help you have been to me and all the help I know you will be in the future.  We just gotta slog through and make it there!

Hugs to all.

Social Isolation With The Demon

Most of my routine has remained the same during the pandemic.  The biggest difference is that The Boy isn't coming over to torture my dolls and kill me 78 times in half an hour (Call of Duty).  I don't normally go out.  I do most of my socializing on-line. 

A lot of my friends are working from home.  They're spending the entire day in their jammies and, frankly, I'm jealous.  It's not that I want to binge watch my show in my nightshirt, it's that I wish I could trust myself to do so.  For me, it could indicate a depressive episode. 

My first thought is of a reformed alcoholic at a party, watching the others enjoy something he simply can't trust himself to do.  He knows that even stepping foot on that proverbial path is a very bad idea.  It's not a perfect analogy, but I think it's pretty close.  Addiction is a mental illness, after all.

I'm not sharing this to make y'all feel bad.  The thought just struck me when I was in a philosophic mood.  How many of my indulgences are something that others can't allow for themselves?  Anyway, everyone, stay safe as possible.  Make the best of things.  We'll get through this and maybe we'll be better for it. 

Coronavirus

Even though I totally support closing down the schools and canceling large gatherings, I feel the need to get up on my little soapbox about the levels of stupidity and greed I've seen.  I usually have faith in the human race but y'all are really testing me with the pandemic.

1) Educate yourselves.  What the food and health care industries call "universal procedures" is usually sufficient to keep any virus at bay. Wash your hands often.  Keep surfaces sanitary. Try not to touch your face - which is the hardest part in my opinion!  Viruses spread easily in large crowds - thus, the cancellations I mentioned earlier.  Learn the specific symptoms of COVID-19 so you don't panic at the sight of me sneezing.  (I have a head cold.) 

2) The store shelves are looking like something from TWD.  By all means, stock up on what you and yours will need for a few weeks if quarantine becomes necessary.  No one needs the entire paper products aisle.  No one needs enough disinfectant to fill a swimming pool.  Quarantine is not required unless you are infected, anyway.  Stocking up is a precaution.

3) DON'T BE GREEDY.  Taking advantage of others is bad enough when there isn't a crisis! I'm not a violent woman, but if someone offers to sell me a five dollar roll of toilet paper out of their van, I just might end up arrested for assault.  They'll be lucky if all they get is the sharp side of my tongue.  I have no sympathy for all of those "businessmen" who got "screwed over" when Amazon and eBay blocked the sale of those items. 

4) Stop with the conspiracy theories.  Nobody created COVID-19 in an attempt to overthrow any  goverment.  It's a new mutation of a viral strand that's always been around.  Viruses mutate - that's why they are so hard to eradicate.  Is it possible we're being manipulated into panic mode with malice intent?  Of course it is.  You know what keeps us from being manipulated?  See point 1. 

5) The golden rule applies, even more so in a crisis situation, and a pandemic is a crisis situation.  Be good to one another.  Share.  I don't have much to spare, but what I do have is free if you need it. Even when there's not a pandemic on. 

Marginalized

Mayor Pete (one of the fellows running for president) said that being gay helps him to understand what black folks go through.  I'm not gonna weigh in on him, his policies, or any of that.  I just want to talk about this specific error in his thinking.

Yes, being marginalized will give you some idea of what others experience.  I've spend my whole life on and off Welfare and now I'm on SSDI.  So I understand about people judging and about getting the stink-eye.  But I can't really understand being black because - simple fact - I'm white.  Each marginalized group has their own struggles.

I understand what it's like to have a store detective follow me around, but not because of my skin color.  I've gotten snide comments for my choice of partner, but not because it was another gal.  A person of color who has been fortunate enough to have never drawn benefits isn't going to understand the shame of whipping out that Food Stamp card. 

Mayor Pete wasn't lying.  Being marginalized, in any manner, does help us to understand each other.  To a point.  He's a rich white boy, so obviously he's not going to get what the poor, the people of color, or the women specifically deal with.  That doesn't make him evil.  It doesn't make any of us evil.  Just human.  And that's okay.

OK, Boomer

I just had a long conversation about politics with a teenager.  I'm either late Boomer or early GenX, depending on who you ask.  He's Gen Z (Post-Millennial).  According to the labels, we should be at each other's throats.  We were not.  This will blow the collective mind of those who allow labels to divide us.

This applies to all the labels, be it "Liberal" or "Female" or "Catholic" or "Gay".  But for the sake of being concise, I will focus on the generation gap.  "Respect your elders" has become "OK Boomer".  "From the mouths of babes" has become "Damn millennial".  And it disgusts me. 

Their world is quite different from mine, and from what the world was when I was their age.  That does create differences.  But I stand by my assertion that there are more similarities than differences in all of us.  They have friends and family, as do I.  They have the same bodily functions.  They have hearts and minds, most of them good ones.

The tendency to allow differences to divide us isn't new.  I think it's fair to blame most of history's wars on it.  The axiom about not mentioning religion or politics in social situations is rooted in it.  We can't, as so many people do, blame it on anything more recent than the saber-toothed tiger.  Blame isn't really the issue, anyway.  The issue is us.  Our behavior.

The conversation that led to this blog is a good example.  The Boy expressed the opinion that  a certain celebrity would be a viable candidate for the presidency.  I said I think he's not because he's not a natural born US citizen.  The Boy thought he was.  Instead of calling each other names, we researched it.  When we discovered I was correct, we discussed how the man could become a viable candidate, which gave me a chance to educate a bit.  I wasn't familiar with the guy, and The Boy educated me a bit.  Neither of us dismissed the opinion of the other.  Neither of us called the other names.

The generation gap is our fault, people.  We don't respect them but expect them to respect us and respect is a two-way street.  Labeling one another is fine, it helps keep our mental files in order, but there are limits.  We're all human, with all the things that make us so, and we're all carrying around a myriad of labels.  If you don't want to be dismissed for one of your labels, don't dismiss others for theirs.

Democrats, Republicans, and Russians

POTUS cheats on his wife?  Goes to war? Eats his pizza with a fork? Wears a tan suit? If he's a member of their party, they defend him.  If he isn't, it's impeachment time.  To the child I was, and the woman I am now, that's...  just stupid.

When I reached voting age, I made it a point to learn as much as I could about the candidates.  Did they share my views on the issues of the day?  How did their personal habits bear on the performance of their duties?  Did they have the courage to disagree with The Party Line?  Did they run smear campaigns? How did they speak to voters one-on-one?

2016.  The Russians meddled in our Presidential Election.  Both major parties believe the other was behind it and/or in on it.  Here's what I believe:  The Russians acted alone, to undercut the groundswell of support maverick candidates were receiving.  Do I have evidence to support this theory? No more or less than either party has on the other.

Two of the most popular candidates in that election were mavericks.  Independent Bernie Sanders and Libertarian Gary Johnson.  For the first time in my life, there was a very real chance we would have a sitting POTUS who was not from the Big Two.  The DNC played Bernie for a fool - come join our party, agree not to run if you aren't our guy, and then they nominate Clinton.  Democrats - not the hard-liners, but Democrats nonetheless - started questioning things.  And Johnson was still out there, drumming up support.  The Two-Party System (something the Founding Fathers were very against, by the way) was in danger of being disrupted if not outright destroyed.

Well, my theory is that Russia didn't like that.  They stepped in, threw gasoline on the smoldering partisan embers I'd grown up with, and here we are.  They had at least two factions pouring propaganda on us - "Trump is great/Clinton is evil" and "Clinton is great/Trump is evil".  They wisely ignored Johnson and the other Third Parties - no real threat if they properly manipulated us.  We'd either forget about them or continue to believe those parties were a joke.

Despite their best efforts, Gary Johnson did get enough votes to lift his party to Major Party status.  But they also accomplished what they set out to do.  We've had riots fueled by partisan concerns. Partisans sound like bad defense lawyers: "Yes, my client killed some people.  But Ted Bundy killed lots more!"  Political Polarization is at an all time high and, frankly, I'm scared.  I'm more afraid of a partisan American than I am of ISIS.

Here's where I go total conspiracy theorist on you.  "XXX colluded with the Russians."  "A third party vote is a wasted vote."  "XXX is the Anti-Christ."   "XXX was sent by God."  "The system is fixed, so don't bother voting." THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK.

Well, that last one is partly true.  The system is fixed, but only because we believe all that other stuff instead of thinking for ourselves.  Russia wanted a schism in America and made one.  I'm just really disappointed in my fellow Americans because they let it happen.  And still are.

Muffling The Demon

I considered "Silencing The Demon" as a title for this blog, but let's be honest.  She's never silent, even when I'm at my happiest!  I just had a really lovely holiday season and all she wants to talk about is the things I didn't get.  Ingrate, that's what she is.

For anyone new to my blog, or my head space, I'll explain.  Feel free to skip ahead if you already know about Sybrie The Tenth, aka The Demon.  I suffer from a form of Clinical Depression, with a touch of anxiety and sprinkle of persecution complex.  I use humor as one of my coping methods - humor that some may find offensive - and joke about having ten personalities.  (A riff on the old toothpaste commercials "nine out of ten dentists".)  Sybrie The Tenth is a demon locked in a cage in the back room of my brain.  To use more professional terminology, I have personified my mental illness.

That said, I want to offer tips for anyone out there dealing with a demon of their own.  Your demon need not be Depression for these to (maybe) help you.  Feel free to modify my methods if they don't quite work for you - one size doesn't fit all in this case.

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1. Do what you enjoy.  I struggled for years with my "inappropriate" interests - dolls and story telling, specifically.  My doll play evolved into novels that will probably never see publication. (More on that in a bit.)  I went through phases of trying to be a serious collector of said dolls, and even of giving them away en masse.  What I didn't realize until I went to college in my late 20s is that Play Therapy is a very real thing, and not just for children.  In a nutshell, the very things I felt shame for are probably what's kept me reasonably sane!

Most of my family doesn't read my silly Barbie blog with its photo stories.  But that's okay.  They get that it means a lot to me.  They don't try to shame me... at least not seriously.  I make the photo stories, I play with my dolls, for me.  I've found a whole community on-line to play with!

I have a budget and my bills get paid.  I can adult when I must.  If I've taken food from any one's mouth to buy toys, it was my own.  The only time we should feel shame for what makes us happy is if it hurts others.  Don't let others dictate what you should and should not enjoy!  Be the weirdo!

2. Limit toxins when possible.  This includes, but is not limited to, humans.  You are not required to associate with anyone who consistently treats you badly.  People who love you can and will hurt you, but if all or most of your contact with any person is negative, remove them from your life as much as possible.

I have a phobia of crowds and therefore crowds count as a toxin here.  When I choose to be in a crowd, I always scope out a quiet corner to slip into if I can't deal.  This comes in very handy at things like family reunions.  If nothing else, I go hide in a restroom stall for a few minutes!

3. Own your weakness.  Despite what certain memes might tell you, mental illness is a weakness. Weakness is not something to be ashamed of!  We all have weaknesses and we should accept that.  Work with and around it.  Admit it.  "Why are you out on the deck in the cold?"  "It got too crowded in there.  I'll come back in a bit."

4. Talk to someone.  They don't even have to understand.  They just need to care - so don't do this with toxic people.  They don't have to be a therapist.  They don't have to be real, if all  you need to do is vent. 

5. Educate.   Yourself and others.  My top recommendation for this is Overcoming Depression by Demitri and Janice Papolos.  They do use a lot of medical terminology, which may be off-putting, so consider yourself warned.  Many of the tips in this blog are based on things from this book.  The book also explains symptoms many don't realize are connected to the mental illness.  I have what the book calls thought latency... basically, if the brain is a computer, mine lags. 

6. Retrain Your Brain.  AKA Cognitive Therapy.  Question your negative thoughts.  Suppose a woman calls me stupid. Is she joking?  Does she have a poor vocabulary and meant some other word?  How important is her opinion of me?  Often, I internalize messages others didn't intend.  I had to teach myself to look at the big picture. 

7. It is okay.  Like many, I wake up every morning depressed.  I've learned to accept that it takes me a few minutes to "wake up slow" and be ready to face the world. 

I put a lot into those previously mentioned novels.  Research, mostly.  There are badly researched books on the best seller lists that read like a third-grader wrote them.  Getting a rejection letter from those publishers....  I can't even.  People have advised me to self-publish, but I've caught a lot of flak during my research for writing about anyone who isn't a white heterosexual female!  I'm not sure if I could handle Amazon reviews of that nature.  I'm not a social creature (I probably have less than 100 Facebook friends, including extended family) and the self-promotion needed for self-publishing is not something I am comfortable with. So I've not done more than dabble with the idea. For the most part, I've accepted that those worlds I created will probably never see mass production.  I've learned to write for me. 

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So many aspects of my life are better since I learned to do these things. She's still in there, rattling her cage and telling me lies, but she's not the boss of me.  Not any more.