Fifty Ways To Be A Woman

Okay, that number is way off.  Which direction depends on your definition of woman.  The hullabaloo at the recent Olympics got me thinking about this more deeply than I usually do.    I'm not sure of the details, but from what I gather, an athlete's hormone levels indicated male even though her body (genitals)  indicated female.  Myself, I think the Olympic committee knows their own standards and can make the call.  End of that discussion on my end. 

Typically, females have different hormone levels than males. We have different genes.  We also have different brain functions when under a brain scan.  And, of course, the private parts are not the same.  These are all sex (biological).  And there's the whole gender (social construct) question - what do we identify as?  

But it got me to thinking.  Intersex happens.  It is a rare event, but as we learn more and find new ways of defining sex, it could become simply unusual or possibly even commonplace.  Ignoring gender and focusing only on sex, even now we have cases of genetics not matching genitals and/or hormones and/or brain scans.  

Intersex people are traditionally those whose genes do not match the genitals, or those who have indeterminate genitals.  Suppose there is an as yet unknown biological aspect to transgenderism... the brain chemistry.  This would give us four biological ways to define the sex.  Maybe transgenders, to go back to an archaic and possibly insensitive term, are transsexual.  (Remember, we're defining sex and gender differently.)  

Most people go through life perfectly okay with the sex diagnosed at birth or before.  Finding out your hormones or genes don't match up can cause problems, privately and publicly.  Add to that the brain scan possibility.  Now... Imagine a person with female genes and female anatomy, but male hormones and male brain chemistry.  What is this person?  

I see news articles almost every day reporting a presumed male skeleton having female DNA, blowing notions about ancient societies out of the water, and this could bear on the future.  I'm not trying to push any sort of agenda, except possibly my usual DEATH TO GENDER ROLES.  

Sex, Gender, and Shut Up

 Had two different conversations recently that bear on the sex/gender issue.  Now, to review - when I say sex I mean biology or the reproductive act.  When I say gender, I refer to society's notions of how we should look or behave because of our biology.  I'm also going to touch on sexuality, but just a bit. 

The first conversation was with a male teenager.  He's slender and has shoulder-length hair.  Someone tried to shame him by telling him he looks "like a girl from the back".  I say tried to, because the young man really doesn't care!  The incident actually bothers me more than it did him.  Why does it matter to anyone if he looks "like a girl from the back"?  Why would anyone be ashamed of this, as he was expected to be?   The only explanation I can come up with is Toxic Masculinity - one of the media's current hobbyhorses. Long hair on a boy threatened this person's personal image of himself.  Something the media likes to ignore, though, is that Toxic Femininity is also a thing.  So is Toxic Maturity, but I digress.  

Humans of both sexes are from birth (and even before that with ultrasounds) to conform to Gender Roles.  If we don't, we are generally mocked if not outright shunned.  Especially males.  A female child can be a tomboy, after all.  But for purposes of this particular rant, I'm going to be discussing adults or those approaching adulthood.  

My mother used to tell stories beginning with "When I was a little boy..."  not because she was actually male, but because she was commiserating with a male child.  She wanted to get that pesky division out of the way, because the story related to children of both sexes.  She was a female - but never a GIRL.  I have childhood photos of her, and she's wearing a dress (it was the 1940s) but that's where it ended. I probably have peers who thought she was a lesbian.  Yo momma wears combat boots wasn't playing the dozens for me, it was just the truth.  I have no memory of her ever wearing a dress.  A child walked up to her in a store and said "Excuse me, sir..."  She thought that was funny. 

Imagine catcalling a hot chick in an amusement park and my brother, with a full beard and mustache, answers you.  Again, it was funny.  If he reads this, he will laugh heartily at the memory.  The only gender roles we were expected to follow applied to chores, and I strongly suspect that was a holdover from when my parents were married.  

I tell these two stories to show that I've always had a very clear division in my head between Sex and Gender.  And you thought I was digressing again, didn't you?  

The second conversation was with a gay male couple.  These men have two children.  The children have lots of female role models despite the fact that they don't have a mommy.  Even if they didn't, I think they'll grow up just fine.  What is a woman going to teach them that a man or a book can't?

Anyone out there who thinks a parent's genitalia keeps them from parenting, shut up.  My momma wore combat boots and that was not one of the things she got wrong, so shut up.  If you cat-called some hippie dude and are now having an existential crisis, that's your problem, so shut up.  Unless people are hurting somebody, just shut up.  

As always, I invite civil debate of these points.  If you just wanna call names and insult people, shut up. 

Gender Reveals

Another wild fire started by another gender reveal party has opened up the whole can of gender worms.  Not that it was ever really closed.  And no one seems to be focusing on the real issue.  So I'm dusting off the ole soap box. 

1. Any celebration can lead to injury or even disaster if the celebrants are careless. I'm sure people have been injured and even killed at birthday parties or holiday celebrations, but try telling people to ban those and see how far it gets you. Letting unqualified people handle (or build) pyrotechnics for any reason is downright foolish, and that's what causes things like wild fires and homemade pipe bombs.  

2. Social Media is no more to blame for people showing off than a skateboard or a sports car.  The people who are impressed by whatever the stunt might be are not to blame.  The person showing off chose to do it, and are therefore responsible for any damage done.   It's no different than "Billy dared me." 

3. Yes, people do care what sex someone's baby is.  Family and friends do, and for celebrities of all stripes, the fans do.  For one thing, knowing that fact makes gift shopping much easier.  If you want to complain about people being gendered before birth, refer to my next point.

4. "Gender" has also become the polite term for the biological fact, which is why Sex Reveal Parties aren't causing wild fires, and that does confuse the issue.  If I announce the child in my womb has a penis and testicles, all that means is that his biological sex is male.  Stating a biological fact is not gendering.  Dividing toy departments by the sex of the child is gendering.  Telling a male child he can't wear pink is gendering. 

5. Often the decor is quite gendered at these parties. (Imagine what these parties would look like if decor stuck to biology!)   Cakes say things like "Tiaras or trucks" and "Glitter or guns".  Pink and blue everything is everywhere.  Parents who take those stereotypes to heart are going to have more impact on the child than a party that happens before birth. Parents who are having fun with it, just for the day?  Not so much. 

6.  No one is hurting you by having, or not having, a party to announce the sex of their child.  At least not if they do it responsibly. If you feel these parties are morally wrong, don't attend.  I don't go to drunken orgies for just that reason. 

Back to the original point. People are losing their homes and lives while we bicker over sex and gendering.  If you must be negative, blame the careless, not the thing they were celebrating.

Blades and Books

When my minions were little, they watched educational TV shows.  The specific show changed depending on the minion (after all, the oldest is now in her 40s and the youngest is currently in the womb) but every single one of them had the same game.  One of these things is not like the other.

Gillette has a new ad campaign that focuses on how men should teach their sons (and help each other) be "the best a man can get".  Don't punch each other out.  Don't force yourself on others of either sex.  Basically, just be a better human being.

People who can't tell why a banana is different from a monkey, a walrus, and a horse are in an uproar.  Gillette is attacking men!  The feminists have taken over!  Run for the hills!  Times like this are why adjectives exist.  Masculinity is fine, y'all.  Toxic - that's an adjective - masculinity is not.

The behaviors addressed in the ad apply to either sex.  But society has dismissed them when men do them.  Boys will be boys, right?   That's the entire point of the ad.  But man, have I seen some crazy responses.  One guy posed his children with guns.  (Well, the boys.  The girl was holding a flower.  But I digress.)  "I'll raise my kids how I want, you stupid razor company."   Did Gillette tell you not to teach your kids gun safety?  (Did Gillette tell you not to foist medieval gender roles on your daughter? Oops, digressed again.)  Because I missed that part.

If you use a Gillette razor, your penis is not going to vanish.  Unless you're using it very wrong.

*****

I discovered organizing guru Marie Kondo, or at least her philosophy, a long time ago.  She's in the news now for apparently ordering all of us to toss our books.

My books "spark joy" for me.  Therefore, Marie Kondo said I can keep them. Not that she's the boss of me, anyway.  God knows I ignore that advice about neat rows in my sock drawer.

In conclusion, let's play a round of that game.  Which is different: A suggestion, a hint, a bit of advice, or an order? 

Project Mc2 doll

I've been eyeballing these dolls for a while now.  They're aimed at getting girls interested in STEM classes (always something I can get behind) and have joints at knees, hips, wrists, elbows, shoulders, and neck.  However, they have huge noggins and I've heard not of the best quality.

I found one for $7.50.  A standard Barbie (joints at neck, shoulders, and hips only) generally runs 7-10 bucks.  I've never seen a Mc2 doll with painted eyes.  Usually they have "glass" eyes.  Maybe that was the reason for the low price.  She did still have the giant head, but that wasn't a problem, since she was going to be the body donor for a head swap.

Her included science project was a plastic volcano and the classic vinegar-and-baking-soda directions.  Her joints are slightly flimsier than in similar dolls, but she didn't fall apart when I undressed her.  (Yes, I've had knock-offs do that.) 

I compared the skin tone to the gals awaiting a head swap and made the switch.  New head promptly fell off.  Her neck was even skinnier than Barbie's!  I have figure out how to keep that head on, but remember seeing that in a DIY blog.   

Then I noticed it.  She was only 10 inches tall.  Lucky for me, the face mold on the doll I used was "less mature".  She is a bit more developed than Skipper and friends, but so are the High School Musical dolls and Alex, so it worked out well.

Not bad for the mark-down price.  Especially considering the lack of articulated 10 inch dolls.  My other young teens are jealous!

The Brains of The Young

Got into a discussion the other day, if you can imagine such a thing happening to me.  The topic at hand was the apparent homosexuality of a Disney character, but it rapidly became about something very different.  The other party insisted repeatedly that children are not capable of understanding homosexuality.

I've been a very hands-on aunt for most of my life.  My minions count in the dozens.  I've never come across a subject that children could not comprehend on some level.  You "dumb it down" for them, but they are capable of understanding.

Recently, I explained the transgender thing to a child.  I "dumbed it down" to having a girl brain in a boy body.  His head did not explode and he now understands the basic issue. We do have to be careful with our terminology - lesbians don't just love women, it's the getting-married kind of love.  We don't want little Suzie to decide she's clinically depressed because sometimes she feels sad.

Something else I've noticed about children is that they are more receptive to difference.  Race or religion are good touchstones here.  At a park, the kids all run and play together and it's no big deal if this one's a different color or that one won't eat a ham sandwich.  In fact, a conversation about those differences might start - thus they learn something about each other.  Adults could take a lesson.

It infuriates me that people so readily dismiss the brains of the young.  I have to laugh at some of the things I read in parenting magazines because otherwise I'd cry.  So much of that advice is stuff I've always done, without effort.  "When in the park, talk to the child about the various animals and plants you see."  WHO NEEDS TO BE TOLD THAT!?

Note I did not mention my position on having a girl brain in a boy body, or of wanting to marry a member of the same sex.  That all is really beside the point of this post.  The point here is simple.  Children are not stupid.  Simple, yes, but not stupid.

Thoughts on Public Bathrooms

 Apparently some laws have been passed that state you have to use the restroom designated for the sex on your birth certificate.  A major chain store also announced it was making all restrooms unisex. Heated debate rages all over social media and the news.

"Perverts will pretend to be transgender to get to our daughters."  Do you think only male perverts exist, and that they only go after girls?  Even if a pervert were to do this - as has happened - all he can do legally is "accidentally" expose himself.  Anything else is covered under other laws.  During a trial, the revelation of his birth certificate would make him in violation of this one.   It is your job as a parent (or parent proxy) to protect the child from threats.  If you are too busy to escort the kid to the restroom, that's on you.

Are we going to station guards at every restroom and require matching the physical evidence with the birth certificate?  What if the two don't match?  We send a person with a penis into the women's room anyway - refer back to the perv argument.  What do you do when the "man" you've stopped proves to have both a vagina and a female birth certificate?

We have probably all, at some point in our adult lives, shared a public restroom with another adult bearing different genitals than ours.  We never knew because they had the exterior appearance of our sex.  They went into the stall and shut the door, just like we did.  Or maybe you ignored the Restroom Closed For Cleaning signs and the janitor was using one of the toilets - that happened a lot when I was a janitor.

Why are they wasting time and money (taxpayer's money) on laws that make no sense and can't be enforced?  I've not done the math, but I'm sure the salaries of these lawmakers earned while passing this nonsense is a lot more than 15 bucks an hour - you know, the amount useful people are greedy for wanting.

Public Unisex Restrooms

I remember being a small child and asking why my brothers had to go into a different public restroom.  All the toilets were in little stalls, after all, and no one could see each other.  The reason given was that the urinals are not in stalls, and that some people will "peek" at the opposite sex.    

Forty years or so later, I still don't get it.  Urinals can be done away with, or put into stalls, or hidden in secluded corners.  I've been peeked at - by adult females and by children of both sexes.  So it's clearly not simply an "opposite sex" thing.

I also speak from the parental (more or less) point of view.  A female parent (or parental facsimile) can't go into the men's room, but may not feel safe letting the boy child go by himself.  Even if said boy child is "old enough".  Even parents who might take a boy into the women's room are reluctant to take a girl into the men's.  Those open urinals, I suppose.   Never mind that only Ron Jeremy might be able to use a urinal from a distance that would allow a sighting.

Which leads me to nudity.  There is nothing evil about any body part in and of itself.  No one's eyeballs have ever boiled from glancing at an unexcited reproductive organ, unless I missed that X-men comic.   Most people tend to shield those parts from view, anyway, even at the urinals.

The people who would hurt your child are not always of the opposite sex, nor are they always sexually motivated.  Sex-segregated restrooms do little or nothing to protect them.  In fact, if these predators target a woman's male child in a unisex restroom, she will be there to protect him.

I can't tell you how many times I've used a men's room because I was about to burst and the wait for the women's was forever.  Having a unisex restroom, smaller than the two combined would have been but larger than either alone, would make the wait shorter.  Builders could save at least the cost of that dividing wall.  A unisex restroom wouldn't need to be closed for cleaning - there's no issue of what sex the janitor is.

Unisex bathrooms simply make more sense, especially in a world where those lines are becoming more blurred every day.  Save money, time, and space.  Build unisex bathrooms.

Trans-WHAT

I've already weighed in on my opinion about transgenders.  Gender is a social construct and with few exceptions, caused by the roles society expects of us because of our genitalia.  I am no expert.  What I am is a reasonably intelligent person capable of research and deductive reasoning.

Steve Martin did a movie years ago in which a white boy is raised in a black family.  The boy is shocked to discover he's white.  It was a hilarious fictional concept.  Transracial was a joke.

I know a woman who dresses, behaves, and speaks like a black woman.  She is married to a black man and has given birth to five children society labels "African-American".  I've told her she's a black girl in a white skin.  I have joked with a Sioux friend that I'm a Indian in a white body.  Never did it occur to me that someone would seriously make such a claim.

Well, someone did.  The same people who are lauding the courage of a "woman" with a penis are having conniptions over a "black" who has no proven African genealogy.  My question is - really, at the root of it, what is the difference?  How is transracial so different from transgender?

Confused About Gender

I have always objected to gender roles.  I was delighted to hear that McDonald's will no longer refer to their Happy Meal toy selections as "boy toys" and "girl toys".  The first time a McDonald's asked if my Happy Meal was for a boy or a girl, I went ballistic.  Even though I understand that a "boy toy" is called this because most people who want to play with it are little penis-bearers, I still don't like the implication that a female child might burst into flames (or worse, grow up gay) because she plays with one.

Sadly, however, I find the reasoning is not because they want to avoid limiting a kid's options due to gender.  It is because they don't want to be insensitive to "gender confused" children.  Seriously, I have to wonder just how much gender confusion is caused by the very idea of gender roles.

I did a little research and found that most symptoms of Gender Confusion have to do with a child not fitting gender roles.  There are a few genetic anomalies, but otherwise the only symptom I read about that wasn't directly tied into gender roles was this: Some children actually express the desire to be the other sex.  And that might be an indirect thing.  I may have expressed the same wish as a child, not so much because I wanted a wiener, but because I had to lick the soap for saying "up your nose" when my brothers said a lot worse.  Because I was a girl and saying "up your nose" was not lady-like.  Had I been a boy, I might have wished to be a girl because girls didn't have to mow the lawn.

The problem lies in the attitude we, as a society, have about these things.  We believe there is something wrong with a boy who likes Barbie and with a girl who likes Hot Wheels.  Even if your little man wants to wear a pink ruffly dress, this doesn't mean he's Gender Confused.  Maybe weird, but he's probably pretty sure he's a dude - unless he's been told otherwise.  I will admit that none of my male minions have expressed the desire to dress like a Disney Princess, but they've all played with "girl toys" and the gals played with "boy toys".  I'm pretty sure they all know what sex they are.

Little boys get the worst of it.  We have a socially acceptable word for the "tomboy".  But the nicest word I can think of for a girly boy is "sissy".  Hardly the same level of acceptance there.  Might that be the cause of Gender Confusion?  If a child is told something - anything - often enough by the adults in his/her life, they are going to believe it.  A boy raised to think only a girl likes pink?  He might come to think he's a girl, since he likes pink, and thus exhibit the signs of Gender Confusion.

McDonald's contributed to the problem by enforcing, even subtly, gender roles.  Any person or business who refers to toys by gender preference did.  My question is this:  Why is it even a problem?  There will always be people who don't fit the norm, either by design or by choice.  Why not just accept them, as long as they are harmless?  Why do we have to vilify anyone until we are forced to be "sensitive" and then bend over backwards for them?

Female Role Models

I was the seventh of eight children, but my closest-in-age sister was five years older.  So, for all playing-pretend purposes, I was the only girl.  I remember playing Star Wars with my brothers - who were 7, 13, and 15 to my 11.  They had a wealth of characters to choose from.  I got one choice, Princess Leia.  The only other female in that movie was Aunt Beru and she died!  Leia was cool, but wanted some options.  The later movies didn't help, either, as the new characters were all male.  I was a girl, I had to be a female character.  If we played Superheroes, I had to be Wonder Woman. Star Trek, I got to be either Uhura or Nurse Chapel.  I did get to play at "Charlie's Angels" but only when the neighbor girls came over.  Some of my earliest writing was, for all intents and purposes, Fan Fiction.  With lots of girl characters.  So I'd have options when playing with my brothers.

Granted, my world was small.  My mother had very strange idea about what TV shows and movies were okay for her kids... I remember seeing "Porky's" with her, but not being allowed to watch any show with a laugh track.  I thought Ken was Barbie's brother.

Now, little girls have lots of options.  Star Wars and Star Trek have huge expanded universes.  There are even girl-focused things like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But now, I've noticed, little girls have a different problem.  Apparently, their options can't just be female - they have to be Feminist. Any female character who is married, has children, or cares about their appearance is considered bad for girls.  This leaves out Princess Leia - since she eventually marries and breeds, she is a terrible role model.  Tolkien's Eowyn and Arwen are also guilty of marriage and breeding.  They are bad role models.

I've recently become a fan of "Firefly".  There are at least two strong female role models on this show, but the one I hear called a Role Model is River Tam.  Somehow she is considered better than the veteran soldier or the genius mechanic.  Zoe and Kaylee own themselves, but apparently the fact that they like men makes them bad role models.  They own themselves, they choose to be with a man and possibly breed. Neither of them is defining herself through their men.  They are way more feminist than River, if only because they are women and she is a girl.  River doesn't know who she is.  Zoe and Kaylee do.

My world is still pretty small, so I'm sure there are lots of strong female characters I don't know about.  Of the ones I know, many of them fall short of the Feminist Ideal.  Robotech has lots of strong women, but since most of them hook up with men, they must not be good role models.  In the new Star Trek, is Uhura any less admirable because she's got a man?  In Harry Potter, we have Molly Weasley.  Is she any less of a role model because she's chosen to be a wife and mom?

If she's strong, capable, and happy with her choices, I consider any character to be a good role model for my female minions.   A healthy sex drive, a romantic interest, and a maternal instinct do not a weakling make.  In fact, the scariest enemy I can imagine is a mother defending her young.  Let these characters be complete women.  Stop limiting their choices. Isn't Feminism about women having choices?  If being a Feminist means a woman can't desire marriage and children, it's just another form of misogyny.

Blame the vendors.

School's back in session and, as usual, some stores are taking heat for selling sexist T-shirts to the female students.  The one that comes to mind right off is a checklist of "My best subjects" with stuff like shopping and gossiping checked, but math not checked and a note "Nobody's perfect".

The thing that galls me about this is not the message these things are sending, because that's open to interpretation. The thing that galls me is this: I see every day, on social media, posts of a little girl going off to school and everyone has to comment on how cute she is. I see parents spending more time on the kid's back-to-school wardrobe than on selecting the stuff that's actually gonna help the kid learn.

The same mom who just spent three hours choosing fashions and four seconds choosing study aids is the reason marketing offices think those T-shirts will sell. This same mom is going to someday quote Will Smith's mom "You go to school to learn, not for a fashion show" to the same kid she's instilled with the opposite truth.  And it isn't just girls.  Look at the boys getting off the school bus.  What's on their T-shirts?  Professional wrestlers, violent video games, camo...  they are getting a similar message.

If we are teaching our girls to be Bimbos and our boys to be Rambos, it is hardly the fault of the stores who sell us the stuff.  They wouldn't sell it if we didn't buy it.  They wouldn't try to sell it if we didn't give them the impression we wanted it.

Are Stereotypes really that bad?

Does any rational human being really believe stereotypes?  I know nobody who actually thinks all lesbians hang out at Home Depot or that every black person on the planet loves watermelon.  At least, not that I know of.  I joke about stereotypes because I find the entire thing ridiculous.  I'm mocking the very idea that anyone, anywhere, takes them seriously.  Who watches Mythbusters and really expects Grant to suddenly go all Ninja on Tory?

My favorite example is Speedy Gonzalez.  He steals cheese because he is a MOUSE. His record of petty theft has nothing to do with his being from Mexico.  In fact, if I were a Mexican guy, I'd find Speedy a compliment.  He's a go-to guy with all the senoritas in love with him.  He's clever and resourceful.  How is he a negative?  Why is it bad for them to make Speedy Gonzalez cartoons?

Stereotypes often have a basis in reality, too, like it or not.  Historically, tribal societies from all over the world celebrate music and athletics... and yes, those things do filter down through the generations.  Food stereotypes have historical or cultural roots.  If you don't believe me, look it up.

Yes, a stereotype can be a bad thing.  But a word is not automatically an insult, not even the "N" word.  Look at the big picture before you get upset.  Ask why.  I'm in therapy for my persecution complex and I get this concept.  What's the excuse for society at large?

Bazookas and Barbies

If you buy your kids guns, they will be Jack The Ripper.  If you buy your kids fashion dolls, they will be prissy and brainless.  What?!  That's possibly the silliest thing I ever heard of.  A BB Gun or a Barbie is an inanimate object.  It has no power over you or yours.  What has the power over you, particularly as a child, is other people.  I live with a seven year old boy who plays with both weapons and dolls.  He is not growing up to be either Charlie Manson or Liberace.

He knows not to shoot anything with a face and a pulse - unless he is going to eat it, or it is trying to eat him - even with Nerf.  Violence he sees on TV and video games is explained in context.  "Yes, James Bond killed that guy, but that guy was trying to blow up Europe."  "Captain Kirk was bad to want to kill all the Klingons.  I'm glad he figured that out."   

The dolls technically aren't his, they belong to the crazy aunt in the attic.  At least, the evil fashion dolls are.  His plastic people are 'action figures' and therefore either belong in the War Toys discussion or are socially acceptable.  The fashion dolls generally have what he calls "Barbie School".  He is teacher and principal.  Curriculum has covered subjects like Pokemon, volcanoes, video games, dinosaurs...  never fashion!  His class has a variety of skin tones (many of them aren't even human), they all get along, and most of them look like they've been through a wind tunnel.

We teach by example.   I have used Barbies for many years to teach kids of both genders about the things that make us different, and how it ultimately doesn't matter unless you're hurting someone. My Barbies have had adventures that'd curl Mattel's hair!  The hunters and military men in my family have always been very big on the safety issues.  And, no, that doesn't meant put the safety on before handing the gun to Junior.

Inanimate objects do not have that kind of power unless YOU give it that power.  Even the official toy company line has no power once that toy is in your kid's hot little hands.  Hand your little girl a Barbie and she's going to emulate the people around her.  Hand your boy a Nerf Bazooka and he's gonna do what he's been taught is appropriate. Switch the toys and the kids will be fine.

I used to get really mad about "Boy Toys" and "Girl Toys" because I felt that it limited the child's options, but I've come to realize that it is a generalization.  Most boys prefer certain toys, most girls prefer other toys.  This is not meant to be a limitation, no one is going to stop a little boy from buying Barbie.  Except maybe you...