One of my mother's favorite expressions was "Actions speak louder than words". Not a bad point to make, generally, but she tended to apply her own interpretation of your motivations to your actions. A teenager doesn't go to her brother's Little League games... does she hate her brother? A woman stops speaking to her sister after the sister comes out of the closet... is she a homophobe? So, I say unto you, actions may speak louder than words, but motivations speak louder than actions. Ask the teenager and the sister what their motivations are and you might be surprised.
One of the most important questions you can ask is "Why?" One of the first things cops look for in a crime is motive. I did a previous blog about how the context of a "racial slur" can affect its meaning, which is another aspect of motivation. Why did you get out of bed today? That may seem like a simple question, but it isn't. But I digress....
A few examples from my own life:
My brother's daughter is named Laura. My grandmother, who was named Lura, thought the baby was named for her. No, Laura's mother simply liked the name. It's even possible that the mother didn't know my grandmother's name. The action seemed to be an honor, but once motivation enters the picture, it becomes simply a phonetic coincidence. There are namesakes in the family, but Laura simply isn't one of them.
I have two brothers who live outside the Cincinnati area and a sister who still lives in the area. They are all three rabid Bengals fans. Why? I really can't tell you. For me to say "Because it gives them a tie to home" would be just as wrong as brother-hate or homophobia in those first scenarios.
Both my parents had a bad case of thinking they were not important to the kids because we never came around. They assigned it to an active dislike of them - never mind that we all worked and most of us had families of our own. This is the sort of situation that I'm most concerned with. Should I be offended that someone doesn't have the time or energy to visit me? Particularly if they have no interests in common with me?
One of my favorite things is Benefit of the Doubt. I found a little girl wandering up the road one day - wearing nothing but a shirt. Thankfully, my optimistic view was validated. She'd simply wandered out of the house while her adults were sleeping. If I see a little kid not properly secured in a car seat, I remember the time I was given the choice between hauling a toddler that way or letting him ride with a drunk person. (This does not apply to people who apparently have a trampoline for a backseat.)
There are, of course, cases in which the motivation is quite obvious. Had the teenager in my first scenario established a pattern of brother-hating behavior, then I'd agree that she hates him. Had the sister in my homophobe scenario been known to gay-bash, then the homophobe assumption works. Motivations are all part of the bigger picture. Can you think of a more benign motivation for them?
