I considered "Silencing The Demon" as a title for this blog, but let's be honest. She's never silent, even when I'm at my happiest! I just had a really lovely holiday season and all she wants to talk about is the things I didn't get. Ingrate, that's what she is.
For anyone new to my blog, or my head space, I'll explain. Feel free to skip ahead if you already know about Sybrie The Tenth, aka The Demon. I suffer from a form of Clinical Depression, with a touch of anxiety and sprinkle of persecution complex. I use humor as one of my coping methods - humor that some may find offensive - and joke about having ten personalities. (A riff on the old toothpaste commercials "nine out of ten dentists".) Sybrie The Tenth is a demon locked in a cage in the back room of my brain. To use more professional terminology, I have personified my mental illness.
That said, I want to offer tips for anyone out there dealing with a demon of their own. Your demon need not be Depression for these to (maybe) help you. Feel free to modify my methods if they don't quite work for you - one size doesn't fit all in this case.
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1. Do what you enjoy. I struggled for years with my "inappropriate" interests - dolls and story telling, specifically. My doll play evolved into novels that will probably never see publication. (More on that in a bit.) I went through phases of trying to be a serious collector of said dolls, and even of giving them away en masse. What I didn't realize until I went to college in my late 20s is that Play Therapy is a very real thing, and not just for children. In a nutshell, the very things I felt shame for are probably what's kept me reasonably sane!
Most of my family doesn't read my silly Barbie blog with its photo stories. But that's okay. They get that it means a lot to me. They don't try to shame me... at least not seriously. I make the photo stories, I play with my dolls, for me. I've found a whole community on-line to play with!
I have a budget and my bills get paid. I can adult when I must. If I've taken food from any one's mouth to buy toys, it was my own. The only time we should feel shame for what makes us happy is if it hurts others. Don't let others dictate what you should and should not enjoy! Be the weirdo!
2. Limit toxins when possible. This includes, but is not limited to, humans. You are not required to associate with anyone who consistently treats you badly. People who love you can and will hurt you, but if all or most of your contact with any person is negative, remove them from your life as much as possible.
I have a phobia of crowds and therefore crowds count as a toxin here. When I choose to be in a crowd, I always scope out a quiet corner to slip into if I can't deal. This comes in very handy at things like family reunions. If nothing else, I go hide in a restroom stall for a few minutes!
3. Own your weakness. Despite what certain memes might tell you, mental illness is a weakness. Weakness is not something to be ashamed of! We all have weaknesses and we should accept that. Work with and around it. Admit it. "Why are you out on the deck in the cold?" "It got too crowded in there. I'll come back in a bit."
4. Talk to someone. They don't even have to understand. They just need to care - so don't do this with toxic people. They don't have to be a therapist. They don't have to be real, if all you need to do is vent.
5. Educate. Yourself and others. My top recommendation for this is Overcoming Depression by Demitri and Janice Papolos. They do use a lot of medical terminology, which may be off-putting, so consider yourself warned. Many of the tips in this blog are based on things from this book. The book also explains symptoms many don't realize are connected to the mental illness. I have what the book calls thought latency... basically, if the brain is a computer, mine lags.
6. Retrain Your Brain. AKA Cognitive Therapy. Question your negative thoughts. Suppose a woman calls me stupid. Is she joking? Does she have a poor vocabulary and meant some other word? How important is her opinion of me? Often, I internalize messages others didn't intend. I had to teach myself to look at the big picture.
7. It is okay. Like many, I wake up every morning depressed. I've learned to accept that it takes me a few minutes to "wake up slow" and be ready to face the world.
I put a lot into those previously mentioned novels. Research, mostly. There are badly researched books on the best seller lists that read like a third-grader wrote them. Getting a rejection letter from those publishers.... I can't even. People have advised me to self-publish, but I've caught a lot of flak during my research for writing about anyone who isn't a white heterosexual female! I'm not sure if I could handle Amazon reviews of that nature. I'm not a social creature (I probably have less than 100 Facebook friends, including extended family) and the self-promotion needed for self-publishing is not something I am comfortable with. So I've not done more than dabble with the idea. For the most part, I've accepted that those worlds I created will probably never see mass production. I've learned to write for me.
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So many aspects of my life are better since I learned to do these things. She's still in there, rattling her cage and telling me lies, but she's not the boss of me. Not any more.
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