I pontificated before about the bullying problem and what I think should be done about it. This one is for the kids. Not the victims, not the bullies. The other kids. The ones who aren't sure what to do or how to do it. The ones who will say "I didn't do anything to him."
I'm speaking from my own experience as a bullied junior high schooler. Strange as it may seem, one of the kindest things a classmate ever did for me was a note. It said "Please don't tell anyone because I don't want to be picked on, too. I like you. I think you are nice." With her signature. I've never forgotten that. That girl reached out to me the only way she felt she could.
A couple of other girls reached out, too, They gave me a makeover during Study Hall. Maybe it was just that I was the only one who would let them, I really don't know. When they finished and held up the mirror, I expected to look ridiculous. I thought the whole thing was a set up, a means to humiliate me, but it wasn't. They even offered to give me some of their make-up that they didn't want anymore. (I suspect knowledge of my family's poverty had more to do with it, but they wanted to protect my pride.) One girl offered me clothes she didn't wear any more. I declined the offers - I just knew it was a trap. When I wore the offered cosmetics and clothing, they would make sure they entire school knew I was a rag picker.
Why did I feel that way? When the teacher left the music classroom and the bullies pushed me into a corner, going through my purse and making fun of the contents, or just making fun of the purse itself... No one spoke up. A couple dozen kids let them do it. To me, that said I deserved it. That said we hate you just as much as those guys do. That said I was loathed by the entire student body.
My period as the victim was only a year or two, but at the time it was forever. All those kids who I know now did not hate me... I just want to apologize to every one of them. I want to tell them I understand why they didn't act. But at the time, their loathing of me was a fact.
So, boys and girls, the next time you see a classmate being pushed around, realize how your silence is perceived. Realize that, in their eyes, you are either cheering the bullies on or - maybe worse - you don't care either way. Even if you don't have the courage to confront the bully on their behalf (the best course), the least you can do is a kind word when no one is looking.
Why didn't I stand up for myself? No one else stood up for me, at a time in my life when the opinions of your peers is crucial, so maybe I thought I deserved it. (Well, I did eventually stand up for myself. I like to think the small kindnesses mentioned above helped me to do so.) Why didn't I just stop being *insert adjective*? It's easy to blame the victim, maybe even part of human nature, so don't beat yourself up too much if you've done it. A lot of the things kids get bullied over are beyond their control. I couldn't make my mother get off Welfare, I wasn't allowed to do "normal" things, and I sure couldn't stop doing things I didn't know were "wrong".
So, you other kids, I give you life from the perspective of at least one bullying victim. It's not enough to not bully. It's not enough to feel sorry for them. You have to act, even if all you do is plead with them not to blab the fact that they don't hate you.
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