Student Loans

 With all the fuss and bother going on about forgiving student loans, I feel the need to share my own student loan story.  I went "back to school" in my late twenties, majoring in Human/Social Services Technology.  It's a two year degree, meaning I could be working a decent job by the time I was 30. 

When I left high school, it was a time when the minimum wage was reasonably close to a sustainable lifestyle.  I had no shame in being a janitor, or a dishwasher, or a cashier.  It's all honest work and I believed I'd be able to make ends meet. 

I was trying to find the job where my work ethic would actually get me promotions and raises, instead of one where the dude who partied with the boss got promoted over me.  Meanwhile, in the larger world, the gap between a livable wage and the minimum wage kept growing.    My morale was high every time I started a new job, but favoritism and customer abuse killed it quickly.  (I'm not saying I'm totally blameless here - my Dysthymia had manifested itself and fed on job stress.  I made a lot of mistakes.)

When I finally got medication and therapy that let me cope, I decided that college would get me the sort of job I wanted.  Social Work seemed a good fit, and there was a two-year program at the nearby campus.  So I signed up, agreed to the loans needed (totally intending to pay them when the time came), and earned that degree.

My first job after college was washing dishes in a steakhouse.  While working, I applied for every social services job I could.  Some of those interviews took me into seedy neighborhoods (once a man tried to get into my car and I ran a red light to get away from him) and none of them hired me.  I was back to the minimum wage grind, but now I had a debt to pay.  I tried.  

I tried.  When I was making enough money to have anything left over after rent, I sent them something.  Something was never enough.  At one point, after having my hours cut, I had to have the bank block payments because they ignored my messages.  They knew my situation - I told them the truth, filled out all the forms for a payment plan, everything, but no.  "You make 500 a month?  Send us 400 or it's going into default."  Still, I had every intention of paying them somehow someday.  Most of my job-hopping was a constant quest to make enough money to pay the loan!  

Eventually, I was declared totally and permanently disabled.  I would receive monthly payments to live off of.  The first debtor I contacted was the Student Loan people, intending to set up a payment plan I could finally afford.  They canceled the loan.  Think about that:  The only way I could get out from under the loans for a two year degree was to become legally disabled.  A two year degree.  Only two years.  

At the time of my cancellation, most of what I owed was compounded interest.  Had they worked with me because I was un- or under-employed, I would have owed a small percentage of that total.  They could have allowed me to pay what I could, they could have suspended interest, something, but no.  What they did was call me at least once a day for over a decade.  What they did was accuse me of malingering.  So, yes, I support the forgiveness of student loans.  Had they treated me with anything resembling dignity and respect, I might think differently.    

 

Franchises Gone Wild

 Anyone who knows me, knows I am a fan of The Walking Dead.  What they may not realize is that I'm only a fan of the original show.  Not the spinoffs, not the movies they keep telling us are coming, just that one show.  Especially now that AMC has taken over and Robert Kirkman's vision is largely gone.  

The original showrunner was Frank Darabont, but Darabont wanted the zombies to be smarter and faster than Kirkman did.  As it was Kirkman's project, he won that battle.  You can see some "smart zombies" in Season One... using rocks to break windows, trying to turn doorknobs, and climbing fences.  The real-world explanation is Darabont, but I like to think those people were geniuses in life and a bit carried over into their undead state.  There's never been an in-universe explanation - until now, apparently. 

AMC's The Walking Dead Universe has introduced "variant cohorts" and is exploring the cause/cure of the zombie phenomenon... both things Kirkman flat refused to do.  The zombies were never the point of his vision.  AMC has Ashley-Cartered The Walking Dead.  (Ashley-Carter is my own verb for retcons that harm the original creator's vision.  It comes from the third author of the Falconhurst series of books and was my first experience with it.)  

AMC is flooding the market with TWDU projects.  They're trying to do in a single decade what took Star Wars and Star Trek decades.  To me, that's overkill, but overkill seems to be the thing these days.  Star Wars, Star Trek, and Marvel are all also doing it.  Trek has currently, I believe, four shows and the Abrams movies.  Star Wars has, I believe, three shows.  Marvel has shows, but their focus seems to be movies.  

From what I understand, most of the Trek projects are meant to be taking place in the same reality, making those shows a master class in Ashley-Cartering.  So many contradictions.... The Marvel Universe has embraced the notion of a multiverse to avoid that issue.  Star Wars seems to be managing to stay within the established universe except for Obi-Wan's memory issues in later life.  But I digress.  The focus here is meant to be on the overkill aspect.  

It seems unwise to flood the market.  Short term, you make piles of money.  Long-term, you lose your audience.  They will get sick of Spock and Spiderman and Obi-Wan Kenobi.  They will get sick of Daryl Dixon, even if he remains just one version of himself.  Flooding the market is just shooting yourself in the foot. 

Mixed Messages

 One thing that seems universal, and especially for those of us on a mental health journey, is the mixed message.  Some of them are comical - a man with a cigarette punishing his kids for smoking, for example.  But the ones I want to talk about today are the ones we get when trying to apply things we've learned in therapy to daily life. 

I do a lot of people-pleasing, also known as going along to get along.  I don't even form strong opinions about mundane things (believe it or not) in order to avoid conflict.  I do enjoy a good, civilized debate about important issues, but that's not what I'm referring to.  I'm talking about "Where do we want to have lunch?"  

The home I grew up in was not conducive to disagreement.  If we were wrong about something factual, we were either stupid or lying.  I'm sure that played a large part in my love of research.   As for opinions,  I learned early on that Jeanie's opinion was trash.  None of my interests mattered, unless it happened to coincide with theirs. 

You may wonder what all this has to do with the Mixed Message.  You may think I've digressed.  I haven't, I promise.  Since I've learned to express those things that do matter to me, those old patterns create the mixed message.  Because others haven't broken with them.   

This is common with anyone on the road to Mental Health.  That's why family therapy is often recommended.  That's why addicts are encouraged to get a whole new group of friends.  Because if those around us oppose our new attitude, it's very easy to slip back into those old patterns.  They are comforting because we know them.  

But they are not harmless.  The behaviors that harm us, no matter what they may be, have harmed those around us.  If others aren't on the journey with us, but want us to heal, those messages are inevitable.  Because "I know I told you to stand up to people, but I didn't mean me" is a very real thing.  

Remembering Our Dead

Graveyards have good associations for me: Visiting the graves of her husband and son with my beloved grandmother, sledding at the rear of the Settler's Cemetery.  I found them tangible history, a solid reminder that those things happened to real people.  They're an excellent place to go if you just want to be alone and think - most people who see you will assume you are mourning and respect that.  

The family plot has gotten crowded in the years since I visited with Mamma.  In the intervening years, she was interred there.  Others were.  I used to think there was something wrong with me because, when I go there, the only memories that return to me are of Mamma.  Looking at Mother's headstone, for example, might bring back memories of the funeral.  No rich, full memories.  The family plot is a Mamma place and it doesn't matter who is buried there.

I find the memories come to me more in daily life.  A patch of daisies or a song on the radio evokes them more than a slab of marble with a name engraved.  I once wept in the grocery store over a display of Kit-Kat bars, for a man whose grave I've never even seen.  But in the graveyard? Not so much. 

Years ago, I made the decision to donate my body to science.  Explaining to one of my minions that this decision meant I'd likely have no grave, at least not one chosen by the family, she asked where she was supposed to go to remember me.  I gave her examples, but I know that when the time comes, she won't have to make any effort to remember me.  

She'll be weeping in the Barbie aisle over a woman whose grave she's never seen.  Because graves are for formal occasions and remembering our dead, really remembering them, is informal.  

Make Up Your Minds

I'm not privy to details, and the stories contradict each other, but what it boils down to is this:  A civilian was given a weapon and sent (or allowed to go) into what was essentially a battle.  The weapon was not anything a civilian would have ever used outside of a gun range.  Add the youth of said civilian to the mix.  Frankly, it's a miracle more people were not killed.

Society tells us that anyone even a day under the age of 18 is not capable of informed consent.  Any adult who gives a minor a beer, a cigarette, or an orgasm is breaking the law.  The news media and the general public will opine at length about how the adult victimized the child.  

Kyle Rittenhouse was 17 years old.  He is neither hero nor villain.  Kyle is a victim, a pawn played by polarized talking heads.  Legally speaking, as a child, he was not capable of making the choices he made.  His adults let him, perhaps even encouraged him to, go into danger.  

Those adults should be put to trial.  I believe the legal terms are "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" and "child endangerment".  Likely, there are others in the book we should be throwing at them.   If Kyle was not capable of  consent where beer or tobacco or sex is concerned, he absolutely was not capable of knowing what the was getting into that night. 

If Kyle was capable, we need to take a long hard look at how we, as a society, view teenagers. 

Costumes

 Lots of fuss this time of year, every year, about insensitive costumes and stereotypes.  I don't really take offense at stereotyped costuming because I understand that it's all in fun and no one with more than 5 brain cells believes them.  However,  I thought I'd toss out a few work-arounds just in case.  

The witch, for example, goes back to earth religions (most obviously Wicca) and therefore could be seen as insensitive to modern adherents of those faiths.  If you want to be a witch for Halloween, yet still be thoughtful of your witchy friends and neighbors, consider choosing a specific witch from pop culture.  Wicked Witch of the West and Witchypoo even have the whole pointy-hat thing going on.  Variations could be a more colorful or modern take like one of the Halliwell sisters or a Hogwarts professor.   Mix up the tropes - maybe the Neutral Witch of the South? 

The cultures native to North America seem to take a beating every fall.  Often costumes include things that, in the real world, are sacred.  Those beautiful feathered headdresses are earned, usually through combat or wise leadership.  Would it be acceptable for me to wear a Medal of Honor as part of a costume?  If you go the buckskin-and-braids route, you're playing with the stereotype.  You can mix it up there - be a "mountain man" or even a "caveman".   Or go specific again.  Little Suzie wants to be an "Indian Princess" for Halloween, go Disney.  Pocahontas in reality had very little in common with the cartoon, and you can make that a teaching moment if you want.  For a real teaching moment, get historical.  Buckskin-and-braids-and baby = Sacagawea. 

The classic hobo, a staple of poor kids and dummies who wait til the last minute, is said to mock the homeless. You can easily turn the hobo into a scarecrow if that concerns you.  

I see stereotyped ethnicities trick-or-treating every year.  I have family and friends who I could claim these people are mocking.  I see it as playful teasing among friends.  I'm a hillbilly/redneck, a mental patient, a single woman over 40, and probably other "costumes" that I can't think of at the moment.  

Some costumes are more problematic than others, obviously.  Usually based on a negative stereotype.  Usually worn by the politically polarized or satirists.  Sometimes just heart breaking (Anne Frank).  Those I advise against across the board.  But let's be honest - almost every costume out there might be offensive to someone.  I suggest we all, on both sides of the issue, be more sensitive to others.  

Sex, Gender, and Shut Up

 Had two different conversations recently that bear on the sex/gender issue.  Now, to review - when I say sex I mean biology or the reproductive act.  When I say gender, I refer to society's notions of how we should look or behave because of our biology.  I'm also going to touch on sexuality, but just a bit. 

The first conversation was with a male teenager.  He's slender and has shoulder-length hair.  Someone tried to shame him by telling him he looks "like a girl from the back".  I say tried to, because the young man really doesn't care!  The incident actually bothers me more than it did him.  Why does it matter to anyone if he looks "like a girl from the back"?  Why would anyone be ashamed of this, as he was expected to be?   The only explanation I can come up with is Toxic Masculinity - one of the media's current hobbyhorses. Long hair on a boy threatened this person's personal image of himself.  Something the media likes to ignore, though, is that Toxic Femininity is also a thing.  So is Toxic Maturity, but I digress.  

Humans of both sexes are from birth (and even before that with ultrasounds) to conform to Gender Roles.  If we don't, we are generally mocked if not outright shunned.  Especially males.  A female child can be a tomboy, after all.  But for purposes of this particular rant, I'm going to be discussing adults or those approaching adulthood.  

My mother used to tell stories beginning with "When I was a little boy..."  not because she was actually male, but because she was commiserating with a male child.  She wanted to get that pesky division out of the way, because the story related to children of both sexes.  She was a female - but never a GIRL.  I have childhood photos of her, and she's wearing a dress (it was the 1940s) but that's where it ended. I probably have peers who thought she was a lesbian.  Yo momma wears combat boots wasn't playing the dozens for me, it was just the truth.  I have no memory of her ever wearing a dress.  A child walked up to her in a store and said "Excuse me, sir..."  She thought that was funny. 

Imagine catcalling a hot chick in an amusement park and my brother, with a full beard and mustache, answers you.  Again, it was funny.  If he reads this, he will laugh heartily at the memory.  The only gender roles we were expected to follow applied to chores, and I strongly suspect that was a holdover from when my parents were married.  

I tell these two stories to show that I've always had a very clear division in my head between Sex and Gender.  And you thought I was digressing again, didn't you?  

The second conversation was with a gay male couple.  These men have two children.  The children have lots of female role models despite the fact that they don't have a mommy.  Even if they didn't, I think they'll grow up just fine.  What is a woman going to teach them that a man or a book can't?

Anyone out there who thinks a parent's genitalia keeps them from parenting, shut up.  My momma wore combat boots and that was not one of the things she got wrong, so shut up.  If you cat-called some hippie dude and are now having an existential crisis, that's your problem, so shut up.  Unless people are hurting somebody, just shut up.  

As always, I invite civil debate of these points.  If you just wanna call names and insult people, shut up.