What does it say about me that I so often identify with the bad guy? The first time I noticed doing this, it was Aileen Wournos. (I may have spelled that name wrong.) A real honest-to-god serial killer. I find it happens a lot - particularly when watching stuff like Criminal Minds.
It scares me. It's bad enough that I'm a danger to myself and the occasional touch-screen cash register. I know on an intellectual level that I'm not like them, but that's no help when a person turns to violence because they've been abused, used, or simply ignored and I totally understand.
I don't want to hurt anyone, not even those who have hurt me. At least not to that degree - I have no desire to hospitalize or kill, but a slap up side the head might be okay. I am terrified of becoming angry, of lashing out either physically or verbally.
Some folks roll their eyes at my joking about being a psycho, but it's really a defense mechanism. I'm whistling past the graveyard. I've learned lots of ways to deal with my issues, some more effective than others, but nothing can touch this fear.
You are not alone! I identify with a lot of the perps, too, and not just on CM.
ReplyDelete