What does it say about me that I so often identify with the bad guy? The first time I noticed doing this, it was Aileen Wournos. (I may have spelled that name wrong.) A real honest-to-god serial killer. I find it happens a lot - particularly when watching stuff like Criminal Minds.
It scares me. It's bad enough that I'm a danger to myself and the occasional touch-screen cash register. I know on an intellectual level that I'm not like them, but that's no help when a person turns to violence because they've been abused, used, or simply ignored and I totally understand.
I don't want to hurt anyone, not even those who have hurt me. At least not to that degree - I have no desire to hospitalize or kill, but a slap up side the head might be okay. I am terrified of becoming angry, of lashing out either physically or verbally.
Some folks roll their eyes at my joking about being a psycho, but it's really a defense mechanism. I'm whistling past the graveyard. I've learned lots of ways to deal with my issues, some more effective than others, but nothing can touch this fear.
